I have had a bit of a rough time since I last posted a week ago. Some of you who follow me regularly might be thinking, “When doesn’t she?” 😉
That is a good question.
Last weekend was great though. I spent time in nature. I found some bargains for my new apartment. I spent time with friends. I slept on my brand new mattress. It was exceptional and my week started off on a very good note. Until I discovered that one of said bargains that I arranged to have delivered on Tuesday had bed bugs.
Yes, I found a good DEAL at the consignment shop…a beautiful cream-colored leather couch EXACTLY like I wanted for $30. THIRTY DOLLARS!!! You get what you pay for though, right? I paid for bed bugs apparently. The couch was removed within about one hour of being in my home. After a thorough cleaning, a trip to the Laundromat and an inspection by pest control…my apartment is now free and clear of bugs. It really stressed me out for a couple of days though. When I explained this to one of my friends her response was “God sure does keep giving you things to write about doesn’t He?”
YES HE DOES! And I have to ask…
“God, how could I bring home a couch with bed bugs?” WHY ME?
And then there is the mattress. After sleeping on an air mattress for six months, most any mattress in the store would feel GREAT. I picked out the firmest one the store had. And after sleeping on it for a couple of days I realized it was made of ROCKS. I began to feel as if I was sleeping on concrete. Concrete might actually feel better. The store is allowing me to exchange it if I decide to do so, thank God. Mattresses are not cheap and to be stuck with one made of ROCKS would not be pleasant at all. Thankfully, I do have the option to return it but the entire incident made me question my decision-making skills altogether. I am currently writing a book about facing fear and I cannot even pick out a bed to sleep on???
“God, why did I buy a mattress that is harder than a rock?” WHY ME?
And then came the call about the trailer break-in. A casualty of my divorce, a 32-foot travel trailer has been sitting empty for two years for sale. It is a beautiful trailer. So beautiful that people have begun stealing parts off of it as it is sitting in a lot waiting for a potential buyer. I rushed over to check on it when I received a call that someone had broken into it. I panicked but once I arrived I found that that all was okay. Nothing had been broken or stolen. Again, thank You God! But yet another stress trigger. And a reminder of my relationship past and the negative thoughts that I allow to creep back inside.
“God why won’t you allow anyone to buy this trailer?” WHY ME?
Why me Lord? WHY??? I find myself asking Him that question more times than I like to admit. I am NOT a victim. I am anointed by God to pursue a calling He has placed in my heart. That calling is to share my story. He anoints us ALL for something. Mine just happens to be living my story out loud. It is a story full of a lot of happy moments and well, a lot of crappy moments, all of which someone else out there will relate to in some way.
I have mentioned my “train bridge wishes” in earlier posts. I feel guilty (again) for even making those wishes. It is a habit I started when I was a kid. I do not always do it…mainly just on those not so happy days.
“Please God transport me to a little beach house on a tropical island where I can live in peace with my animals and have a huge vegetable garden and a lush yard with fruit trees and tropical plants. Let me have plenty of good books to read, a nice kitchen to cook my vegetables in and possibly give me Wi-Fi??? Is that too much to ask for God?” If I actually said all of that I’d have to park under the train bridge for more than a few seconds. But those selfish thoughts have gone through my mind as I drive underneath those trains.
I ask Him a lot of questions. Why am I struggling in so many aspects of life right now at 43 years old? I have all kinds of grand plans but they do not seem to be panning out the way I WANT them to.
Proverbs 16:9 “We can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps.” Amen.
Like the time a few weeks ago when I made a quick trip to Wal-Mart…I grabbed a cart that was “crazy” and had a mind of its own. It literally got stuck about ten feet away from my car. I had a cart full of bags and it was stuck in the middle of the aisle. There weren’t any cars coming at that moment so I grabbed the bags and walked them to my car. But no amount of pushing or pulling by me was going to move that cart. It was STUCK. And that is how I feel a lot of the time. Sitting idle waiting for Him to tell me what to do next. Instead of asking Him WHY ME??? I need to be asking Him WHAT do you want me to learn from this? And HOW do you want me to share it to help make a difference for someone else?
While I was at the Laundromat last week washing out the potential bed bugs from my living room rug, pillows and blankets I overheard a woman talking on the phone. I wasn’t trying to listen; she was just very loud and sitting right next to me. From what I gathered she was talking to her mom and I was drawn into the conversation because she was talking about the Bible and “fighting the good fight of faith.” I began to take notes. I was intrigued and her conversation was calming me down from my bed bug fiasco that I found myself in at that moment. By her sharing her story I was finding peace in my own situation. She said two very important things. “Just because you are a Christian doesn’t mean your life is going to be easy. It will actually be harder.” And then she went on to say, “Maybe you need to stop looking for His answer in YOUR way but instead you need to look for His answer in HIS way.”
She was so right. I was meant to overhear that conversation. It helped me realize I was not alone that night. And if anything that I have written here speaks to you…it is just a little sign for you to help you know that you are not alone.
As I began processing my week, the title of this entry was originally going to be “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” And then today at church it changed to “Heart Like Heaven” because I basically had an emotional breakdown as that song was played during worship (a joyful breakdown which happens randomly and most always at church.)
It is a beautiful song with lyrics like this:
“And I’ll throw my weakness into your greatness if this broken heart is all you want.”
The sermon today was a continuance in the series of Faith in the workplace. That is a whole different topic but it does tie into my message here. I struggle daily wondering why God has me placed in a sometimes very stressful and seemingly dead-end job. And the reason is simple. He wants to use me where I am. I am not going to work tomorrow morning; I am going to serve God…in my workplace. Sure, I would love to be in my tropical paradise at this moment instead of going to work tomorrow but that is not where He wants me. Through my brokenness, struggles and occasional victory (yes I do have a few 😉 ) His love shines through.
You are where you are for a reason. His reason. You are His. Your purpose is to serve Him where you are at in this moment. We serve Him by serving others and by answering the particular calling He has given us.
If you do not know what your calling is yet, look around you. Where are you at in life at this moment? How can God use you where you are now? When you discover your identity you will find your purpose. I found mine when I was suddenly alone living in a travel trailer (that is still for sale if you know anybody who needs one!) the day my second husband left me a little over two years ago.
God uses heart broken people. He is good like that. But He uses all of us…where we are…if we allow Him to.
“But this broken heart is all You want.”
Thank you for reading my blog. I appreciate comments and feedback. And if you know someone who might relate to my messages, please share.
Have a blessed week! And have a Goodnight. (or good morning if you have subscribed to my website and have found this message in your inbox this morning).
And by all means don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Stacey – iamalive