“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself.” ~ Alan Alda
As I sit here at a child’s desk in a young boy’s room, I am pondering why I am here. This is my fifth trip to this country by myself to visit my best friend from college. We met at the University of Kentucky in 1994 and she returned to Japan after graduation. We used to write snail mail letters to each other when she moved back home to keep in touch. Today we only send an occasional email. I miss writing and receiving the letters. Although they are just words on paper, as an extreme introvert, I communicate most comfortably through writing.
My first visit here at this house in Inage was the day after Christmas in 1998 and I stayed through the New Year. It was my first trip alone abroad. For an introvert who had never been that far away from home alone, that was a big deal. It was a once in a lifetime experience. I took tons of pictures and used my parent’s gigantic video recorder to document the trip. I had no idea I would ever come back, so I captured every single moment as best as I could. I was an alien in a foreign land and I couldn’t speak a word of their language. I didn’t need to speak though. A quiet observer, in a quiet country, I fit right in.
That was 18 years ago and I am still coming back to this place. There are so many places in the world that I want to see, but I keep returning here for some reason. This place and this house feels like my second home. My friend’s grandmother told me during my first visit that I had a “Japanese aura” about me. I have always been ashamed of my quiet, reserved nature. I was an awkward, misunderstood child, teenager, and young adult. So I took the gentle grandmother’s soft spoken words as a great compliment. And now, later in life, I take it as a sign.
Today I took a bicycle ride to breathe in some fresh air near where I am staying. I passed by a peaceful looking shrine. I parked my bike by the tori gate and walked inside. A young boy came in after me and I watched him pray silently. I said a little prayer too. I thanked God for pushing me out of my comfort zone and into a new world of self-discovery. I was afraid to come here alone this time when everything in my life feels so uncertain. I’m not that young girl fresh out of college with a bright future ahead anymore. I am 44 and I need to make some big decisions about my life. I bowed my head and thanked Him for this opportunity of freedom to live in this peaceful country for six weeks so I can quiet my head enough to hear what I need to know.
I am here in this country for a reason. It is a place where I can be me. And through the quietness, God speaks to me here. There’s no pressure to say a word here. I just listen. I just observe. And I write.
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive
Tokyo December 1998
