(This is a picture of a girl who is in love with life, again. Okinawa 5/6/2016)
It rained all day today here in Inage and I did not bother to leave the house. I felt a bit guilty when I talked to my friend over breakfast and she was getting ready to leave for work and I told her that I wasn’t planning to do anything today. She said, “That must be nice!” It is nice. I am grateful for slow, rainy days. I spent way too much of my 20s and 30s remaining constantly busy. I was so busy that I didn’t take time to breathe and enjoy life. When I turned 41, God decided it was time for me to enjoy life. So here I am.
I brought several books with me to Japan. I am NOT an avid reader. I go in spurts. Sometimes I might read five books in a month. Then I might go five months without reading a book. I enjoy reading but I have a difficult time focusing unless I am extremely interested. Being an introvert with ADHD tendencies can sometimes be a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that once I do focus, I don’t stop. The curse is exactly the same. I cannot do anything else until I put the book down that I am engulfed in. (Or whatever it is I am doing). So I have managed to focus on two books while here that I read cover to cover in a few sittings. The first was Carry On Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. I have been following her for quite a while on social media and truly enjoy her work. Her blog is called “Momastery” and she does write a lot about her kids. But she is also a woman and human being who has walked down a rough winding path to get to where she is today. She was an alcoholic and bulimic for years. Now she is a Love Warrior and one of the most down to earth, relatable authors I have ever read. I laughed hysterically and cried sorrowfully throughout her book. (I recommend it anyone who is reading this…if you like writers who are raw and REAL…you will love her. Plus she is an excellent writer and storyteller. I THINK she has a new book out soon too).
A week has passed since I finished that book. This morning I decided to read on my rainy day indoors. I chose a book that I have honestly been reluctant to read…but it was GIVEN to me by Liz Gilbert’s publisher because I won a contest so I packed it in my suitcase. Since I was headed off on a six-week adventure to Japan, it might be a good bring it along just in case. It is called Eat, Pray, Love Made Me Do It ~ Life Journeys Inspired by the Bestselling Memoir. I say I have been reluctant to pick it up because I DO NOT want my journey to be directly influenced by something I read or by someone else’s life. I do not want to copy anyone. That is one of the main reasons I am relieved to not be on Facebook anymore. I have my “writer” page where I post occasionally…but I do not keep up with the goings on of everyone I know since my personal page is now weirdly “lost in space.” So, since I stopped FB I realize how influential it was and not in a good way. (But that is just my opinion and experience).
But if you know me, you know I am a fan of Liz Gilbert. I read her memoir when it was released in 2006 and put it on the shelf (actually I gave it away) and didn’t think much more about it. It didn’t have much meaning in my life at that time. I was married to my first husband then and although I wasn’t exactly “happy” I was not ready to jump a plane to live in Italy, India, or Indonesia for a year like Liz to go find myself. Little did I realize at that time I was in the early stages of the downfall that would lead to my spiritual journey. My husband decided to end our marriage the following year. He hadn’t been happy since we returned to Kentucky from Maui in November 2004 with rings on our fingers, which made me unhappy. He missed his family in Canada and he missed the northwest. And he didn’t love me the way a husband is supposed to love a wife he had made a lifelong commitment to, so he left and moved to Seattle. There was no stopping him. I tried. I curled up with him in the twin bed he slept in after he told me the news. I cried and begged him to stay. I felt like a failure at life because I failed at marriage. Fast forward to July 2013 and basically the EXACT same thing happened. My second husband wasn’t from Canada. His family was just an hour away in Illinois. But he decided to leave too. And I curled up beside him in the little bunk bed he slept in for the last two weeks we were together, in the travel trailer we lived in at the time and cried and begged him to stay. But he left too.
There are more major moments to my story or forks in the road but those are the two biggest ones. Those are the ones that made me realize I was not living MY LIFE. I had given my all to others who didn’t give their all back to me. I was that “permeable membrane” Liz referred to…morphing into the life of someone else. I hadn’t been looking out for myself. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I am not sure if I even know now. I am slowly finding my way with each new day.
I didn’t read Liz Gilbert’s book again after my second marriage ended to use as a guidebook as to what to do with my life as many women have done. I just decided to revisit her words because I happened to see the movie again. I bought my well used second copy at a consignment shop for $3 and this time her story hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t relate to it at all before the wheels began to fall off my cart. But when I re-read it years later…it made total sense to me. I KNEW that woman in that book. I had been her in so many ways, on so many days. Our stories are a bit opposite but a bit similar. She left her fancy home and life in the suburbs…. and her good job and her husband who desperately wanted to have kids…to start HER LIFE. She lost all of her money and started from scratch. She took a year to travel and find herself by living in three different countries. She didn’t realize she had a choice to even do all of that until she became so paralyzed with depression that her life was not her own anymore.
I relate to that. I had a somewhat adventurous life in my 20s and 30s yet I was stable in a lot of ways. I never had the deep desire to have kids. But I always thought if the man I was with wanted to give me a baby then that was when it was supposed to happen. And if it didn’t, it didn’t. Well, it didn’t happen. I am STILL ambivalent about it. I have regrets but in a way I realize that was not God’s plan for me. I was stuck in many ways though. I had a stable job(s) that I basically hated but I was a dedicated, hard worker because I knew that was what I SHOULD be doing. I was a caregiver to both of my parents for years. I do not regret that and wouldn’t change it if I could go back. But many kids wouldn’t have done it. I didn’t have freedom a lot of people in their 20s and 30s have because of it. But I chose to do it. I gave myself 100% to both of my marriages and two other long-term relationships. I screwed up A LOT in ALL of them. But I didn’t want them to end. I wanted a partner in life. And lastly. Or maybe firstly, I basically left my college sweetheart, who TRULY loved me, at the altar when I was 25 because I just was not ready to get married yet. I broke his heart and lost him and his family forever…and set out on MY journey way back then. Only I did it my way and instead of following God’s plan for my life. I ignored ALL gut feelings when things didn’t feel right and tried to make them right. (I do not recommend that…but we all learn in our own way).
So my life is nothing like I thought it was going to be just 12 short years ago when I finally decided to settle down and got married for the first time. EVERYTHING is different. I devoured this book today because it contains story after story of women (and men) who have all been through it. The essays are short and I couldn’t wait to read each of them. The book Eat, Pray, Love shaped their journeys in different ways and the more I read the more I related to ALL of these people. And the more I started thinking about where I fit in with all of this right now. I have spent over 2.5 years walking with God and growing in my faith. I definitely have the “Pray” part down. I have a best friend and a Father who is ALWAYS there for me now.
I turned pescatarian last year and decided to stop being a hypocrite and gave up meat. I feel peace in my heart now about food. Animals have always been my friends and I don’t get sad anymore when I eat. Yes, I do still eat fish and dairy products. And YES, I love cute little fish swimming in the river or the sea or in the fish tank but my heart doesn’t feel quite as bad as it used to. I might eat a big steak again someday…I have no idea right now. I am an ever changing creature and finding that you have to make changes and seek truth and actually DO things if you want to find out what you really want and what exactly works for you. One of the things I am enjoying most this time in Japan is the food. My friends here are gracious enough to not prepare meat for me, only fish. But most of my meals are vegetables and tofu. I am extremely interested in learning how to cook Japanese food now because it is HEALTHY. I eat a lot here and I don’t feel bad about it. Yes, they have a snack drawer, and ice cream, and cakes, and even soda if I want it. I do indulge but I don’t feel quite as guilty because my meals are prepared in a healthy manner. I have always had problems with cooking and eating right. Spaghetti and grilled cheese used to be the extent of cooking for me but not anymore. So, I am getting the “Eat” part down.
Love. That is a big word, a big four-letter word. A word I have been avoiding for a long time now. The thought of loving another human being again scares me. I lost myself because of that word. I am to the point where I feel lonely a lot though. It would be nice to have a companion again to do things with. It would be nice to have someone to try out my new recipes on. Or to see a movie with or to cuddle on the couch with. But beyond that = SCARY. I have been in relationships basically nonstop since high school up until my second divorce at age 41. I am not great at math but I am guessing that is about 25 years ish. That is back-to-back relationships for 25 years without a break to just be with me. That is a lot of time to invest in other people and come out at the end alone and lost. I didn’t know who Stacey was anymore. I am getting there now. I don’t know if God has a partner waiting in my future or not but I am waiting for Him this time to lead me. I have friends who say, “Have you thought about Internet dating?” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I never like to say never but I am about 99.999999999999999% sure that will never happen again. It doesn’t work for me. That was my plan in the past, not God’s. I learned a lot and I loved a lot but I didn’t love myself through it. Today I am learning to love me. Eating better, praying to God with a grateful heart for getting me through it all, and loving myself, finally.
My journey is my own but if I could write an essay now for the book inspired by Liz’s journey…I would have said that is what MY Eat, Pray, Love made me do.
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive