Love, Again

There’s that word again. Love. It has been on my mind lately for more than a couple of reasons. Today, however it is because I saw on FB that my first hub got remarried yesterday. I somehow recently became friends with his fiancé (now wife), so as I was scrolling earlier today I saw all the pictures. My first thought was, wow, the person who told me 10 years ago when we got divorced that he was “never getting married again” took the plunge, again? I was his second failed marriage and he did it again? It didn’t upset me though. A lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, as my dad used to say. Time does heal most wounds. I am actually happy for him and I wish them both the best. And in a weird way it gave me hope that it might happen for me again someday too.

I wouldn’t have said that exactly this time four years ago when I was sitting in Japan in August 2013 crying my eyes out because my second husband had recently ended our marriage. I am sure I uttered the words “I am never getting married again” because I really didn’t see how I could ever FEEL ANYTHING again, let alone love for another man.

Fast forward to last year. My romance with my on again off again ex boyfriend since 2008 was rekindled unexpectedly and I felt like I had made it back to the land of the living. The land of couples and dating and sharing a toothbrush…instead of being hunkered down alone in my woman cave with my cat every night like I’d been for the three previous years. But unfortunately it didn’t work out. I am understanding why people say “they are exes for a reason.” If it didn’t work the first time, trying to make it work again and again is like going to your own garage sale and buying your own junk back. I read that recently and it made me laugh but it is also truthful. I felt like I was ready at the time but I realize one year later that I was just being impatient and jumping into things too fast with someone I already felt comfortable with and cared about. Still forcing it knowing deep down it wasn’t quite right.

I believe God puts certain individuals in our lives for different reasons. Every single experience leads us to something greater. And the lessons we learn along the way help to make us better partners for the one we ultimately end up with. For some people, my roommates for example, this happens early in life. They met in high school, dated through college, moved in, started careers, and a wedding date is set. People like me on the other hand stumble through relationships like we are pulling the lever on a slot machine. Usually the odds aren’t in our favor. Usually it is because we WANT something to work out so bad that we force things that shouldn’t happen in the first place. It’s not NATURAL. It stems from FEAR and INSECURITY. “Let me just spend one more dollar and see what happens!” I gotta hit the jackpot sooner or later. No. Put your money back in your pocket and walk away. Go home to your cat…your heart is no longer worth gambling over.

And back to forcing things…I met three of my long term relationships online. For me, this is not natural. I want to feel chemistry with someone and get to know them over time instead of meet for coffee one night, dinner the next night, and planning our wedding on the third date. (This literally pretty much happened with me). But being an introvert who isn’t comfortable starting up conversations and meeting new people…it seemed to be a good idea at the time. So I traveled the dating site route for a long time. Now I realize that in doing so I was forcing things that God didn’t want for me. I was placing people in my path that I wouldn’t have met in “real life.” Now I am not saying I wasn’t supposed to meet these people. Maybe I was. Did He force my finger to click the wink button on that cute guys profile??? Maybe. But I am not sure I was supposed to marry any them. Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret any of it. I definitely do have a fun story to tell.

And along with those fun stories I have learned A LOT about myself and others. And if you are reading this and you met your significant other online and it has worked out for you…I am happy for you! One of my best friends is getting married next year and they met online and have been together for 6 years or so. It does work! It’s just not for me. My seeking it so desperately is what sabotaged all of those relationships in the first place. Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink.

So, where am I going with this? I just know LOVE is on my mind again and I am so thankful for it. Not wanting love is an unhealthy place to be emotionally. But not wanting it was also a time for healing. I believe I am over the non-love hurdle. When I was doing all of the internet dating off and on between 2008 and 2012 I didn’t like myself at all. How can you attract the RIGHT partner when you don’t even like yourself? You can’t. You gotta love yourself first.

So cheers to my ex and his new bride. Hopefully third time’s the charm for him. And who knows, a year from now I might be eating my words and putting another dollar in the slot machine trying my luck. I am a human being and I will be learning until the day I die. And maybe when and if it does happen again for me…third time will be the charm for me too. When God intervenes and I don’t force it MY way I will love, again.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive