It is raining this morning as I sit at my desk drinking coffee staring out the open window. I feel fall in the air. I used to be terrified of change, and even dread the change of seasons…but I am learning to embrace it more as I go (grow). Staying where I am comfortable is safe, but nothing grows from my comfort zone, including me.
I met with a new therapist yesterday. I had some testing done and will find out the results next week. Therapy has been a touchy area for me most of my adult life. Growing up with a bipolar mother was difficult. I watched her go in and out of hospitals and change doctors often. I didn’t want any part of it. I wanted her to be well but I was OKAY and I didn’t want help myself. Growing up with a mentally ill parent is not a pleasant experience. I was forced to grow up too quickly and basically without a mom most of the time. Apparently I am still dealing with the aftermath at 44 years of age. I am not OKAY. And none of it is my fault. I can however take steps to find my joy again. Joy that I didn’t get to experience as a child for reasons beyond my control.
I have screwed up a lot of things in my life because I was resistant to getting help. I haven’t totally dealt with my past. Significant others were opposed to therapy, actually making me feel ashamed about going. So I decided to fake it and appear strong. “I can do this on my own.”
Yeah, I can. But not well.
As time has passed and I am growing closer in my relationship with God, I realize reaching out for help is a sign of strength now, not a weakness. Hiding from the pain of the past doesn’t help anything or anyone involved. It keeps me stuck and it creates walls in my relationships.
If you feel like you need someone to talk to, by all means talk. If not a professional…possibly a pastor or trusted friend. We ALL have something we need help working through sometimes. Don’t be ashamed about it. Needing help does NOT mean you are weak. It means you are strong enough to realize you are in control of your life no matter what happened in your past.
I am in the midst of yet another life change. I moved recently and I am handing my keys over to someone else. I see it as a positive change and a step into a future of possibility that I would never experience if I hadn’t decided to keep moving forward. Life is too short and sweet to stay stuck. The feather that dropped from the ceiling in front of me when I said goodbye to my old place was a sign that I am on the right path.
The winds of change are blowing. I am not stuck. I am not a victim of my past. I am stronger than my fears. God is always with me. I am alive.
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive