My mom died a slow horrible death that took years to finally take her life. She took a bottle of pills. She slit her wrists. She beat her head with a hammer. But the thing that finally “did her in” was when she stopped eating. She starved herself to death and her body finally shut down.

My biggest fear with my battle with depression is that I’m going to end up like my mom. Sometimes I feel like I’ve come so far in this journey to getting back to ME. And sometimes I feel like I’ve just walked in a big ol circle and I’m right back where I started. But I’m still moving. When you stop moving, that’s it. Depression is real, y’all. It’s a disease and people can’t just “snap out of it.” It takes time. It takes medication. (Even when you hate to take pills). It takes  A LOT of self care. It takes support. And sometimes it takes its toll before healing occurs. It’s not just a “phase.”

When someone reaches out to you and tells you they are depressed, don’t ignore them. They are looking for support. (It takes a lot of courage to ask for help when you are depressed…don’t be afraid to ask). I’ve lost a lot of friends because of my struggles with this monster on my back. People don’t want to face hard things so they look away. They leave people behind. I’m sure I’ve done the same thing too. I’m going to try and do better and be a better listener and a better friend.

I’m fine. I mean, I will be. I don’t have a support system or an emergency contact or someone to come home to every day to talk to and get a hug from. I’m pretty much alone. I do have a God who loves me and will never leave me, even though I leave him sometimes. I don’t want to let him down.

I’m not a perfect person. I battle with anxiety and depression. But I’m strong. So very strong. If you knew about all of the things I’ve dealt with over the last 47 years you’d probably agree. Maybe you relate? I’m not looking for sympathy or adoration or anything like that really. I’m just willing, still, to share my story in hopes that someone else out there who might be feeling the same reads it and realizes they are not alone. There are many of us out here fighting on a daily basis to just get through the next day. The next hour. The next minute.

And we will. And we will look back and be grateful for getting through these times. Because the light on the other side is pretty damn spectacular. It doesn’t always last long. Darkness always seems to come again. But those moments of light? Those are the moments I live for. Just keep moving. You’ll get there. I’ll get there. We will get there together.


Stacey ~ iamalive

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