I Am Alive

I moved recently and I finally got around to buying a dry erase board for my frig. My ADD is out of control these days and I have to write things down immediately or they’re gone forever. (Or at least until the next time I need worcestershire sauce).

So I wrote a couple of needed grocery items down today. I also started another new practice of writing things down on notecards. The words on these notecards consist of positive messages to myself. I’ve been taping these messages in places around my apartment where I will see them on a daily basis…mainly the bathroom. 🙂

This afternoon I thought of a word I wanted to write down on a notecard but my cards were upstairs and I was downstairs. Thankfully I have that new handy dandy dry erase board for my grocery list hanging nearby in my kitchen. I ran in the kitchen before I forgot and wrote down my positive word to myself beside my grocery list. But then more words starting popping up into my head. The more words I wrote, the more words came to mind. After frantically writing for a minute or so, one last word popped in my head: BEAUTIFUL.

Tears came flowing down as I wrote that last word. It was probably the most important one maybe because it was the hardest to accept. It has always been the hardest word for me to accept. And I am not referring to physical beauty. I am referring to beauty on the inside as well.

I always TRY to start my day in a positive mindset but it seems like every single day the negativity creeps in and takes control before I even take a step outside my front door. Before I know it I am having an argument in my head about how stupid, ugly, and unworthy I am…among other things. It is crazy how words can change your mood in an instant isn’t it? The words you speak to others are certainly important, but if you don’t speak politely to yourself you are no good to anyone. Especially yourself.

Today I am embracing my beautiful self and when I start feeling “ugly” again, I have a reminder written down in front of me that the devil is a LIAR and he will not have his way with me today!

The positive words that came to mind were words sent straight from God. The words he uses to identify me are positive and gentle, yet powerful. And those are the only words that really matter.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

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I have dated (and been married to) quite a few men who weren’t brave enough to truly love me. I ended a 10 year on again off again relationship with someone about 1.5 years ago. That person never once told me he loved me…over a 10 year period. That is a long time. He told me he loved “parts of me.” Every other long term relationship I have been in, including marriages, were similar. “I love you” may have been said. But actions proved otherwise.

I think when you are brave enough to love someone for who they really are you don’t walk away. You just love.

Like most single women who have social media accounts, I receive the occasional “Hey” in my inbox. Sometimes the person on the other side is someone I don’t know. Sometimes it is someone I know through other connections. Sometimes it is someone I went to grade school with. If I am feeling curious I might check out his profile. If he seems interesting my mind might start to wander.

“Would he even like me if we met in real life? Would I like him? What if it worked out and we got married someday. Would we live in the country and have three kids and a cat and a dog? Or is he more of a city guy?” (Y’all, I ain’t having any kids at this point in my life but sometimes I still imagine it).

Isn’t that crazy? But that is what we women do. We create scenarios in our heads about a future with someone we don’t even know yet. “I knew I was going to marry him the first time we met.” How many times have you heard that? Probably a lot.

Meanwhile, the guy on the other end is sitting there innocently dropping one word messages. He probably sent ten women a “hey” message that day. And the only thing on his mind is truly “hey.” He isn’t thinking about the future at all. He might not be thinking at all. (Sorry guys. 🙂 )

So, I get stressed out about all of it and I just give up again. “Hey” is just too much for me to handle. “Maybe I’m just not ready to meet anyone new yet. I am jaded and damaged. Who would want ALL of me anyway? I’ll just continue to hang out with my cat.”

But then I get lonely again. It is a vicious cycle. Wanting to wait on God. Wanting a companion right now because I want to share life with someone. Freaking out because I don’t think I am good enough. Plus I am beyond terrified of being hurt again. And then back to waiting on God.

Today I am choosing to wait. And I don’t mean I’m just sitting around waiting for the one to knock on my door. I mean living my life as I have been and learning to love myself more every single day, knowing that with or without a partner I am loved more by God than any human being will ever love me. And I have faith that He has a plan for me that does include someone who can tell me he loves all of me. Someone who might want to get to know me beyond “hey.” I might have some bad days and get depressed and lonely. But being depressed and lonely for a little while is a heck of a lot better than chasing after someone who isn’t meant for me. Someone who will only love “parts of me.”

I am waiting for a love bigger than any love I have ever expected. Someone who is going to look at me like he has been looking for me his entire life. And I want to reciprocate that love. It is not forced. It is real. I’ll get discouraged but I won’t give up waiting for this person because this person is waiting for me too. God has been whispering in my ear, “have faith.”

It is all part of His extraordinary plan that I don’t understand yet. But I have faith that I will.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

At some point in our lives, we will get to a point of brokenness. It’s a part of life living in a fallen world. Divorces. Betrayals. Death. Disease. Unemployment. Abandonment. Bullied. Addiction. Financial difficulties. There are many causes. Each one of us will seek to fill the holes in our souls by our brokenness. It may even look like success by throwing oneself into career, kids, etc. Those things only mask the holes and eventually become idols. I learned two years ago that only God can fill all the brokenness in your life. He is the only answer. It’s that simple. It’s that complicated. Once you surrender your life and brokenness to Him, He will use all that you went through for His glory. Know you are chosen and loved by the one true God.

God is love.

~ Lisa

Grit: A positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual’s perseverance of effort combined with the passion for a particular long-term goal or end state.

Looking back, it’s interesting to me how I seem to always survive the worst storms in life like a pro. I always seem to pick myself up and keep moving forward. But in the middle of the chaos I usually think it’s the end. But it’s never been the end because I am still here to tell about it.

You would think that those rough patches would be the most difficult to get through, but for me that really isn’t the case. The most difficult times are the times when not much is happening at all. It is like I am sitting here waiting for something bad to happen. And after waiting a while, I get bored. And then I get distracted with things that consume my thoughts and I lose my focus. I stop looking for things coming up in the distance that could lead me in a wrong direction. I’m already sidetracked.

It is a never ending cycle. Up, down, up, down, up, down.

After years and years of going through this cycle, I have finally actually gained some wisdom from my experiences. I have definitely become stronger. I don’t fall apart easily like I used to. I don’t blame others like I used to. I KNOW I am responsible for me.

And in the tough times I cling to God like I am hanging from a tiny ledge on a cliff and He is my only hope. But truthfully, I should be clinging to Him at all times. Because during these boring, dull times when I am just living my life, that is when the enemy likes to attack most. When I least expect it. When my guard is down. When I think all is okay. He dangles a carrot in front of me or possibly a piece of cheesecake. And although I am not really hungry…I reach for it anyway. It looks so sweet and it just grabs my attention.

But soon after I grab it, I realize I’ve made a mistake. And suddenly I am back on the floor wondering what the heck just happened. Taking my eyes off of my goals for a split second sends me backwards every single time. I KNOW I need to be alert at all times, not just during crisis. Stopping to rest sounds like a nice idea, but that’s when I get in trouble. Every single time. Did I mention every time? When I think I can take my eyes off God for a few moments I get myself in a mess. Surviving the hurricane does me no good when I trip over a branch in the path when I get up and continue walking.

Praying for focus, strength,  endurance, and some good old fashioned spiritual grit to always keep me moving forward no matter how many times I stumble. 

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive 

I moved again recently. When I filled out my application for my apartment I had to write down each and every address I’ve lived at for the last 10 years. Do you know how difficult that was since I have literally moved seven times since 2012??

It has been a long winding road indeed since I sold my last home. (Apartment life ain’t that fun y’all). Just when I think I am making progress and getting my life back in order, I get sidetracked. Sometimes I’ve been totally derailed. One step forward, two steps back seems to be the story of my life.

But I am back on my own again finally and in a good place. I needed to buy a few things though. I needed a place to sit, so I bought a couch. And I needed to wash my clothes, so I ordered a washer and dryer. They took three weeks to get here and my clothes were piling up a mile high. I was determined I wasn’t going to go back to the laundromat again and spend an arm and a leg on their overpriced machines.

But my new appliances finally arrived this week and I was able to tackle the mountain. Some of you might be reading this and thinking what is the big deal? You did some laundry. So what? But for me it is a very big deal. I never appreciated much of anything before. And when I say before…I mean when I had everything I needed…which was basically all of my life until I turned 41. I have not owned my own washer and dryer since 2012. That is six years of going to the laundromat or doing my laundry in a friends washer and dryer.

It is finally a little warmer outside today, so I decided to move one of my plants out onto the front porch. I opened the door and set the plant out there and my neighbor scared the poo out of me. She was standing on her porch smoking and I didn’t expect her to be there. We started talking about plants and such and then she asked me if I was getting settled into my new place yet. I told her I was and how excited I was to be able to do my laundry in my very own washer and dryer again. She told me she totally understood what I meant and then she said, “you just don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone, do you?”

I don’t think there has ever been a truer statement. I have lost a lot. And I have a newfound appreciation now for pretty much EVERYTHING. And I am not just talking about material things that don’t even really matter. Hopefully you know what I mean. 

Life is a learning lesson and I am grateful for it all and for finally getting my priorities in order for the most part. I don’t take a lot for granted anymore. Thankful God always seems to steer me back in the right direction when I take a wrong turn.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

Just for the heck of it I am attaching a song that doesn’t have a lot to do with washers and dryers but I like it. 🙂 Plus, Cinderella and Bon Jovi was my first concert…so maybe I truly have come full circle. 🙂