I shared this on Facebook tonight and thought I’d copy it here as well.

FB says to share how my day went…
Well, I worked day 10 of 19 in a row without any time off…so I’m over the hump. This time last year I was only working 20 hours/week OUTDOORS and loving my life. Now I’m totally opposite and working all the time…in a dark, dingy building with no windows. Not exactly loving feeling too busy and not really enjoying summer which happens to be my absolute favorite time of the year. But I’m grateful for this job because maybe it’s a stepping stone to something else. Trying to keep positive. Maybe this time next year I’ll be somewhere in the middle. Or somewhere I’ve never even imagined yet. And no matter what, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. It’s all good.

 

Blessings,

Stacey ~iamalive

You know that little orange light in the dash that tells you something is wrong with your car? You start up your car on some random Tuesday morning…minding your own business, and suddenly you catch that annoying light staring at you out of the corner of your eye. Or maybe it is about 100 degrees outside and you really want to sit in your air conditioned car because you just finished a jog downtown…and THEN your car won’t start. This happened to me recently.

“NOW WHAT?!” That is usually my first thought after mumbling a few profanities, of course.

And when you explain this unfortunate car situation to your friends while in your current distraught state of mind, their responses are typically the same. “It’s always something isn’t it?” Yeah, it sure feels that way.

I don’t like that light. But on the other hand I am thankful for it. It allows me to take my car somewhere and have the problem checked out before things go from bad to worse. I don’t know a lot about cars. But I think I’ve heard that there are a lot of tiny sensors and little thingies installed in various locations to detect problems. They are there just in case.

After spending a couple grand over a month period, the orange lights are off and things are back to normal. Whatever that means…because it is always something isn’t it?

I haven’t been writing much this year for several reasons. The main one being that I am working full time again. I have a really weird schedule that is NOT conducive to me sitting down and clearing my head long enough to write a thoughtful message. Most days I am tired. I am distracted. I am depressed. I have anxiety. My ADD is out of control and it’s difficult to make food and do laundry let alone write. I just feel out of sorts a lot of the time. Believe me, I have tried to write because I have a gazillion thoughts going on in my head 24/7 that I NEED to share. But when I sit and re-read what I wrote it makes absolutely no sense, so I am sparing you. Trust me, you would thank me.

What is my point in all of this? My body and my brain have been signaling to me that something is wrong. I don’t have orange lights going off saying, “Hey you, take me to the shop.” I do on the other hand have moments where I sit and cry FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Tears are my signals that my body and by brain are in need of maintenance.

Tears are also a reminder that I am down in the valley right now. Things are not great but they will be again. The God who takes care of me when everything is right in my world is the same God sitting down here with me right now while tears are dripping down my cheeks.

I heard a song while I was driving to work today and the lyrics spoke to me. It was like God was reminding me to just trust him. He was saying, “Hey Stace, have faith. I got you!”

My time back on the road, so to speak, is coming. For the moment I am stalled here with orange lights staring at me. It is always something isn’t it?

And I am not alone.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

Click below to play Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells…

 

 

Being 45 is…

Having to get rid of all your Daisy Dukes because they no longer feel appropriate in public.

Keeping one pair of Daisy Dukes because they still make you feel 25.

Dealing with excess belly fat that suddenly appears and seems determined to stay no matter how many crunches you do or how healthy you eat.

Not apologizing for saying no.

Downsizing instead of obsessing about having more and acquiring things.

Accepting that your parents might not be around much longer.

Eating ice cream for dinner and tacos for breakfast.

Actually bothering to wear sunscreen although it’s probably too late.

Going to bed at 7pm like an elderly person and sleeping until noon like a teenager.

Having phantom pains on a daily basis.

Sending inappropriate memes back and forth with friends because they make you lol hysterically.

Taking a handful of pills/vitamins every day.

Wondering when you’re going to start going through “the change.”

Wearing reading glasses.

Going to the movies and out to dinner alone.

Not being too hard on yourself when you fail.

Rocking out to AC/DC just like you did when you were 16 when “You Shook Me All Night Long” comes on the radio.

Having mercy instead of judging others.

Knowing that all will be okay because you’ve been around long enough to know that’s really true.

Taking naps pretty much anywhere, anytime.

Planning vacations even when you don’t have a significant other and ENJOYING traveling alone.

Drinking iced coffee when you thought your mom was weird for doing it in the ‘80s.

Leaving the house without makeup because you really don’t have that many people to impress anymore.

Talking to God all the time and actually listening for his response because you know now you cannot do it all on your own.

Knowing you have to let some people go in order for both of you to grow.

Singing in the car at the top of your lungs when you hear pretty much any Alabama song or Fishin’ in the Dark and you don’t really even like country music.

Being friendly with your ex’s significant other because you already ‘been there done that’ and there’s absolutely nothing to be jealous about.

Loving yourself, flaws and all.

Waxing.

Loving where you are in this very moment of this beautiful, short, precious life.

Knowing you’re doing the best you can and that is enough.

Being free to be YOU. Maybe that is true at whatever age you have your own personal enlightenment (because everyone has one eventually) and when that happens you embrace and accept yourself for who you are…not who you think you should be.

Realizing your life is more than half over, having a meltdown about it, but choosing to wake up each new day and deciding to grow old gracefully or ungracefully…because it is your life and every day is a beautiful blessing and so are you no matter how graceful or ungraceful you feel.

Losing friends you thought would be there forever.

Having a couple of friends you know will be there until the end through thick and thin.

Letting go of the need to be perfect and embracing the messiness because at least it is your mess, dammit.

Letting go of the need to be right.

Not playing into gossip, which makes life much more peaceful.

Buying a one piece bathing suit.

Eating dessert before the meal.

Knowing you made it this far so the rest should be a breeze.

Having 45 years experience on what NOT to do.

Giving yourself the same grace God gives you and not beating yourself up for screwing up.

Accepting that you might not be needed by anyone else ever again besides your cat.

Smiling because life is really freaking cool and you get to LIVE it.

Enjoying the journey.

Your list at your particular age is probably a lot different than mine. I did this because I have been struggling with getting older lately. But after some thought I realize I am in a very good place in life. 45 is a middle stage where I’ve done all of the growing up stuff and had plenty of adventures and life experiences, yet I am still healthy enough to enjoy life peacefully before I have to deal with aches and pains that inevitably come with growing older. I am not who I once was…and I am not yet who I will become. I am who I am in this very moment and that is all I really have. That is enough.

 

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

 

I’ve been just going through the motions lately. Not only have I been skipping church, but when I do go I wonder why I am there. The message hasn’t been speaking to me for a good while. My life feels out of control regardless if I go to church or not. I am there…but I am not really THERE.

A couple of years ago I used to have what I call “God moments” quite frequently. Basically, I felt the Holy
Spirit on nearly a daily basis. Today, I don’t even remember what that feels like. I pray for a song to move me the way it used to. I pray for God to speak to me through the pastor on Sunday. I pray for a friend to read my mind and say just the right thing. I pray for a change. And mainly I just pray to feel again. I haven’t felt much of anything for several months now.

I have been called a victim. I have been told I am not a victim and to stop living as if I am one. And yesterday, someone told me I am a survivor. I think that sums up just about everything. It is not my fault. But then again, it is all my fault. And I have made it through all of it alive. No freaking wonder it is difficult to “feel” sometimes. I am human. I feel lost, alone, lonely, scared, unsure, angry, sad, resentful, ashamed, unhappy, and depressed a lot of the time. And I wonder if and when I will ever get my joy back.

The thing I realized today at church is that God meets us right where we are…no matter how we feel. If I am in a joyful state of mind…he shows up and gives me even more to be joyful about. If I am in a depressed state…he reminds me that things could be a lot worse and he shows me how blessed I am. He tells me to not be afraid and to just keep holding on because I WILL feel again.

“You split the sea so I could walk right through it. My fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me and I will stand and sing…I am a child of God.”

I had my “God moment” today as I was singing this song. I didn’t expect it to happen… but he rescued me. He just met me right where I was.

His timing is perfect, just like his love.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

https://youtu.be/PQqkXg-C9jo

“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to what happens; not by what life brings to us, but the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst…a spark that creates extraordinary results.” ~ Wade Boggs

How we react and the attitude we bring create the atmosphere we choose to live in. It is a choice to remain positive when it feels like the entire world is against you. It can be a difficult choice. Oh, believe me I know! I live in the bad attitude realm a lot of the time.

But something I have noticed…when someone else has an upbeat, positive attitude…it rubs off on me and everyone else around. That is why it is SO important to surround yourself with people who have a positive outlook on life. If you hang around people who see the darkness in everything, your sunshine will start to fade too…so choose friends wisely.

React positively. Be aware of your attitude. And remember that things could always be worse! When your mind is in the right place…the sun always shines brighter on everyone.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

 

 

I asked my friend Bryan if I could share some of his recent blogs with you guys again. He has been my guest before and I love his work. Bryan is 5 years sober and shares his journey on his blog www.1manzstory.com. His writing is raw, real, and although I’m not a recovering alcoholic, it reminds me that deep down we are all the same…human beings doing our best with what we have to get through and overcome things that hold us down.

I encourage you to click the link to his blog and subscribe. Thanks for reading!

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

In Bryan’s words…

The Next Day ~ April 20, 2017

I waited for it all to change for most of my life. The drinking life was the only one I ever really knew. Starting out as a kid, stealing my best friend’s uncle’s vodka, and chasing it with grapefruit juice was a screw driver into oblivion. Then, after a good buzz, my head spinning like a top, we’d race our bicycles down a big hill with no brakes and dare each other to pass thru the stop sign without getting mowed over. I was a mere 14. I’d been chasing that warm buzz all this time before I realized that over half my life was gone. At 41, I was just happy to have made 40. The promises I made to God and myself that I would really quit tomorrow are too numerous to count. I’ve been an addict since I can remember wanting more of anything I’ve ever taken to numb my feelings. And nothing, absolutely nothing, has ever been able to change that. The doctor’s opinion in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about the ” mind of a chronic alcoholic.” Today, almost 5 years sober,  I still wrestle with that same mind. I’m bodily different, too, when I take a drink; both scream for more, more, and more. I only wish that I had a dime for every time that I’ve said that I’d quit tomorrow. Oh, I quit a thousand times, but I couldn’t stay stopped. Not even the hangovers the next day could persuade me. As bad as they hurt, I’d drink a little in the morning to ease those jitters. Perhaps you weren’t as bad as me, or maybe you were worse. What qualifies me is that I can’t stop when I start, and I never could quit entirely. God forbid, that I ever try the “two drinks and I’ll stop” experiment again. But that’s where my mind goes when I turn a cold beer bottoms up…and the next day I miss out on the joys that today brings staying sober….good day!…b

 

Livin’ Free ~ April 8, 2017

Life had not always been egregious when I drank. I was reminded recently of the controlling measures I would take to curb the obsession to drink until my son’s lacrosse game had ended. I would drink water, pace, talk on the phone, appear overly engaged, but deep down my mind and my body would be screaming for alcohol. I was so sick that finally I caved and began sneaking beers with a friend at intermission. Maybe he or I would have a little toke together. There once was nothing like the peace pipe to pull me together and at least take the edge off my mind. Aaah, the ease and comfort of that first couple, and then I would miss the whole fourth period, lost in an abyss of numbness and alcohol. I would stop by the store, sit on my front porch and literally dream of doing the activities that I enjoy today sober. It was my great obsession to try and drink with contentment. After all, I really had some good memories. Like the time we were in Cancun and could swim up to the bar, corona with limes flowing like water. Or the time we got snowed in in the Smokey Mountains, scotch burning my mouth like cinnamon fireballs. The ease and comfort, I’ll never forget. Then, over a period of years my drinking wasn’t fun anymore. I guess I stepped over the line into full blown alcoholism somewhere between Oxford  and Montgomery. What I feel today is raw and untouched compared to the rigidity and need to control that would hit me. I wanted to seemingly be fine, but in my heart I knew I couldn’t drink and tell the truth. Alcohol changes me like that, and before I even knew that life was  passing me by, I couldn’t even tell what day it was. I still occasionally have a using dream at five years sober. I wake up to unchartered territory but freedom knowing that each new day brings hope that God will put someone in my life to show that this way of life works….it really does….good day!….b

 

Realizations ~ March 25, 2017

I never wanted to quit drinking while there was still time without having to go thru enough misfortune and pain to finally surrender. I looked for ways out in hollowed out and fragmented sectors of my mind. I still have delusional thinking when I begin to romance the idea of that first drink. It’s the venom without having to hold the snake. It’s the poison without having to concoct it myself. Sealed up, ready and waiting to catch me off balance and snatch me into the fiery pits of a living hell…..I don’t want to go back. Thankfully, I realize today that acceptance that I never actually could drink like a gentleman has finally seeped into my everyday journey. Do I miss the taste of ice cold beer? You can bet your life savers I do. Do I miss the numbness I felt as well as the sense of comfort I found there? I surely can at times. That’s what makes me bodily and mentally different from normal drinkers. Those half glass, one cocktail wonders that would be left, so I thought, for me to finish later always perplexed me. What convinces me that I can just walk over to the package store, grab a quick six, and then  stop? My mind does, when all other evidence leads to the contrary. Working the steps with a sponsor taught me that. Going to meetings teaches me that. Working with newcomers also reminds me of that very fact. I’ve realized also that isolation, self pity, and remorse can’t keep me sober but it sure can make me miserable enough to want to drink. That’s why I have to constantly look past economics, social status, materials, and relationships. Those won’t kill me, but my addiction will.  I do the work, and He provides the results. And the results are positive proof that the obsession to drink was removed as I continued to pray for willingness. I realize today that I’m just here on Mother Earth for awhile, and I want others to say that they are better people because God saw fit to allow our paths to cross…good day!…b