“To trust Him means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.” ~ C.S. Lewis ~ Mere Christianity

I have had a difficult time figuring out where I fit in within the blogging community. It began as my online diary when my second husband walked out on our marriage. I took a trip to Japan shortly after to help my healing process and I shared my travels via my blog to keep in touch with everyone back home. I didn’t even talk about my failing marriage in the beginning. I actually went back and read some of those entries recently (I do NOT recommend you do that! I am hoping my writing has improved a little since then!) and mostly I wrote about FOOD. I was emotionally broken and maybe I tried to heal myself by eating, I don’t know. As I have been growing in my faith through studying, reading, praying, worshiping, etc. this has become more of a platform for sharing my walk with God. I am insecure about labeling myself as a “Christian Blogger.” Yet I am not a food blogger. I am not a fashion blogger. I am not a political blogger. I am not an anti-Christian blogger. I like the term inspirational blogger. But I don’t write about astrology or the universe. I write about God. My insecurity is mainly because I do not feel confident enough to say I am a teacher. A teacher I am not. I have not done serious Bible study until recently and I have not read the entire Bible cover to cover but I hope to by the end of this year. I am a constant learner…about life, God, and myself and I want to share what I have learned. I desire to share what others have learned too. We all have stories that need to be heard.

I had a random memory today from the women’s conference I attended last summer in North Carolina. I felt so out of my element there. I had the opportunity to meet with a couple of acquisitions agents for Christian publishing houses. I worked on my book proposal for two months and had it perfected to the best of my abilities at that time. My first appointment was after lunch on the second day. I took my lunch outside and sat in a gazebo that had three seats in it. I just wanted to be quiet and eat and go over what I had prepared to say in my meeting. I was quite nervous. But as soon as I sat down two other ladies came into the gazebo and sat down with their lunches. They did not ask me if it was okay. They did not even acknowledge my presence. They actually made me feel invisible. I continued eating and I began to listen to their conversations because there was no way I could concentrate on my book pitch at that point. As they talked I learned they were both already published authors. I noticed they were both dressed extremely nice in business attire with perfect hair, makeup, and brief cases. And then I noticed something that really put a bad taste in my mouth. Not only had they not acknowledged me sitting there five feet away from them, they were talking negatively about the conference. I cannot recall exactly what was said but I just remember a feeling of shock listening to them. One of them even threw her food in the trash because she said it was so bad she couldn’t eat it. I was just grateful to be there…and of course, as you know, I love food. 😉 I stuck my brownie they gave us for dessert in my purse for later and thought to myself if this is what agents are looking for then “What am I doing here?” I certainly didn’t fit in with these snobby, well dressed, food throwing away women (lol) with my outdated outfit I had put together from my closet, my book proposal I had printed off at Office Depot, and my leftover brownie stashed in my purse for later.

I picked up Mere Christianity and read a bit this afternoon. I pretty much have the entire book highlighted but I turned to the chapters on faith. I have come a long way in that area since 2013. I honestly cannot tell you where I was on the faith line back then mainly because I didn’t even consider it. Today it is my strongest spiritual gift according to the results of a test I took recently. Back then I had reached a point in my life where I could no longer do everything on my own. I actually couldn’t do ANYTHING on my own. I was a broken mess in a puddle of tears and snot lying on the floor in a travel trailer on July 1, 2013 when I came home and found all of his things were gone. When you are at that point (rock bottom) you have to make a choice. I made the choice to give my life and my problems over to Him because I just couldn’t do it anymore on my own.

As my faith has grown, my insecurities about my writing and comparison to other women who are on this ride with me have subsided tremendously even since last summer. It is not a competition. I don’t share my heart because I am trying to win a place in heaven. I do it because as Lewis says, “a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.” When I read that, I cried because I know exactly what he means. I hope to live a long life but if the Lord decides to take me tomorrow, I am ready. When I asked Him for help I received it and there’s no turning back now. I might not ever get a book deal to share my story…but I can do so here and maybe that is what He wants me to do. I have a story to tell…it is a story of grace that is greater than my sin and my failures. It is a story of learning to throw pride out the window and humbling myself by accepting that I cannot do it on my own.

And by the way, that brownie went into my cooler that afternoon and I ate it a couple of days later while I was sitting on the beach in the Outer Banks while I was camping. It was the BEST brownie I have ever eaten in my entire life. 🙂

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive