This is not a message about a broken marriage. I have done a lot of dumb things in my past but I have never been with a married man or destroyed a home. I actually had to think about that for a minute though before I typed it because, like I said, I have done a lot of dumb things.
And a lot of dumb things have been done to me. That’s what we humans tend to do. We hurt each other. I started writing four years ago because my home was suddenly broken. There wasn’t any cheating going on…my husband just walked out because he didn’t see me as part of his future. It hurt. But I wrote myself out of one of the most horrible mindsets I have ever been in. And I have been through a lot of stuff and there have been plenty of horrible mindsets.
I don’t enjoy those horrible mindsets at all and I am kind of actually in one right now. Nothing horrible has happened. Not a lot of anything has happened really. I have just been living. And waiting. More like existing and waiting and becoming impatient in the meantime. When nothing is happening in my life I tend to get bored and depressed and I forget about all of the amazing blessings I have in my life.
It is easy to do. Can you relate? Have you thanked God for blessing you lately? You probably have but I have not. Time to change that.
Halloween is over and the Christmas season is right in front of us. I want to have a good Christmas season this year. I don’t want to be down in the dumps feeling sad, alone, and sorry for myself. I want to be filled with the spirit. I want to feel alive. I want to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. I want to bring joy into someone else’s life if I can somehow. Christmas isn’t about me. Yes, I have to work a lot. Yes, I have bills. Yes, I have a sore arm from an injury I had a year ago. Yes, I am exhausted most of the time. But things could be worse. A lot worse.
Things are actually pretty good. I live in a very nice place. I have a good job. I have the sweetest cat (except when he wakes me up to eat at 5am on my days off). I have awesome roommates. I have great friends. I have my dad. I have my family who mostly live far away but I know they care. I have so much. All I want for Christmas is to feel content, thankful, and at peace with my life at this very moment. And in order to do that I decided I am going to attempt to write myself out of this funk I have found myself in for nearly a year now. It has gone on too long now and I am over it. I wrote myself out of it in 2013 and things were much worse then. I think I got this covered.
So, be prepared to read an entry every day (I am going to try at least) for the entire month of November. Usually when I say out loud that “I am going to write”…not much writing happens. Just ask my roommate because she is the one who usually hears me utter those words. Unfortunately, or fortunately for my procrastination heart, she is kind of like me in a lot of ways and she doesn’t write when she says she is going to write either. Maybe she is my enabler? Maybe I need to have someone to keep me accountable instead? And since I really don’t have anyone I am going to remember what my therapist told me a while back…”Most people hold themselves accountable, Stacey.”
Wow. My mouth has been hanging open since then and I have been scratching my head thinking, “Really? Hold myself accountable???”
YES. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. BECAUSE YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF.
After reading my daily devotional tonight I had a realization that sparked all of these thoughts. I am my own home wrecker right now. Or actually, maybe God is. I hear that sweet quiet voice deep inside calling me back towards my path but I haven’t been listening. I have actually been ignoring. And the more I ignore the more depressed I become. And I’ve been lacking in the faith department. I stopped reading the Bible regularly. I stopped going to church every week. I stopped talking to God. I stopped writing. I stopped a lot of things and instead I started some bad habits to compensate. I wander away but He always calls me back to my path…wrecking me.
For me, lack of faith leads to bad decisions, lack of focus, and backwards and negative thinking, which all lead to depression…the biggest roadblock in my life.
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own. 1 Corinthians 6:19
No, I am not my own. But I have been living and acting like I am which is leading me in circles. I haven’t been taking care of myself…mind or body. Time to get this home back into shape. There is so much more to gain. There is no more time to merely exist.
If you relate to any of this…join me and let’s make it happen together. Today is November 1st. It is a new month and a new opportunity to start over with a fresh mindset.
“May the last 2 months of 2017 be the plot twist you’ve been waiting for.” Not sure who posted that initially but my thought when I read it was, “HECK YEAH!”
Believe and you shall receive. Make it happen. Let’s do this!
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive