I have been struggling lately. I am tired all of the time and it has been difficult to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. Not getting enough sleep and lack of exercise are definitely contributing factors that I must work on. But beyond that I have been feeling a bit depressed about my life…still feeling “stuck” in many areas of my life. Sometimes I feel like I have totally lost all direction and focus…WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING WITH MY LIFE??? But when I seriously ask myself that question…I am always led back to one thing and that is following the calling that God has placed in my heart to encourage and inspire others by sharing my story.
I was feeling really down yesterday when I woke up. My relationship is on the outs…I am not completely happy with myself so how can he expect to find happiness through me? My job seems to be going nowhere and the bills just keep piling up. The price of everything just seems to be going up. But my paycheck stays the same. It is crazy! And it gives me stress. I don’t even have health insurance at this moment due to some recent changes beyond my control at work. I feel like I have lost touch with a few of my good friends (and I know it is mainly because our lives are just busy). There are just several factors contributing to my current down mood.
I watched the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer on YouTube a couple of days ago. I do not have cable at the moment so I have just heard bits and pieces about what has been going on with him and I was very confused so I wanted to check it out for myself. I cried while listening to him tell his story. He has struggled with his gender identity his entire life and has hidden it for 65 years. That is 65 years of living a lie and not being true to himself…so sad. I have mixed emotions about it but I know many people struggle with being transgender and it is just one of those closet/taboo issues that gets shoved under the rug. But sadly there is a very high suicide rate among this group of people because they just do not know where they fit in. I worry about how his change into a woman will affect his children. I worry about how it will affect him once it is complete. I know there are a lot of people out there who think it is not the “Christian” thing to do and according to the Bible (and I have no idea which book or chapter) it is wrong for men to dress in women’s clothing. My hope is that by someone so public coming out and being completely honest about it…that it will bring positive awareness. Aren’t there more pressing problems in the world right now than if this man wants to wear a dress and paint his nails? There is the recent earthquake in Nepal where the loss of life is in the thousands. There’s the recent rioting in Baltimore. There are people all over the world starving to death or battling illnesses that will end their lives. I can write for hours but I am getting ready to leave for work in a few minutes.
Yesterday as I was walking into work from my car to my building, I was just feeling down in the dumps. As I was walking I was scrolling my phone searching for positive quotes as I do everyday, and a security guard pulled up beside me in her truck and jumped out and yelled at me. She said “You need to stop walking and looking at the phone you are going to hurt yourself!” It REALLY irritated me in that moment. The day before the same truck honked at me as it drove past me and I wondered why. I guess she had seen me doing the same thing that day too. It didn’t start my day off well to say the least but the more I thought about it the more petty I realized I was for being upset. As I said earlier, I do not even have medical insurance. Maybe the security guard was an angel warning me to be careful? So until May 1st at least…I will not be walking and looking at my phone! 🙂 I will instead be giving my little worries and stresses in my life up to God because my life is blessed and I am so very grateful for all He has done for me. Things could be so much worse…my little 1st world issues seem like a big deal to me when I get wrapped up in myself. I stumble and fall all of the time. I have faith though and I’m going to work to keep focus on that…I can do all things through Him. And when I stumble and fall to my knees I’m not falling down, I’m actually Upward Falling.
“I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground…”
Have a blessed day! Stacey ~ iamalive