James 1:2-6 “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone.”
I could continue on…I just love that passage.
My daily morning prayer: “Lord, cleanse me of me so all I am filled with is you.”
And then I walk out the door and my mood changes a dozen times before I even make it to my car. My faith and endurance are constantly being tested. I have found that if I fail to read my devotionals, Bible, positive quotes on a daily basis my mind reverts to a negative state before I can blink twice. The negative thoughts from my past come creeping in. My insecurities and my moods begin to shape the course of my day and I wonder “Does God have a plan for me beyond all of this?”
I was at my favorite place Saturday afternoon…the Laundromat. (I am being facetious for those of you who do not know about my laundromat adventures). I had two weeks worth of laundry piled up because I had not made time to go. Standing there in front of the dryers watching my clothes turn in circles I began to feel that overwhelming feeling of humiliation. “How did my life come to this?” My mood was already on a downward spiral so of course more negative thoughts crept in. For some reason I started thinking about my most embarrassing moment in college when my professor caught me off guard and asked me to lead a class discussion. Number one. I had no idea what we were even talking about. Number two. An introvert does not simply hop out of his or her seat and happily lead a class discussion…even if they are thoroughly knowledgable about the topic. It just doesn’t happen. I would rather jump out of an airplane or sleep in a room full of snakes than stand up in front of people and talk. I wanted to quit school over that incident. It didn’t go well to say the least. And as if that wasn’t humiliating enough…still standing there watching my clothes go round and round…I began to think about my two failed marriages. The first one basically because my boobs weren’t big enough (that is another blog there) and the second because, well, he just didn’t love me. Both left me devastated and starting over with pretty much nothing.
WHY all the negative thoughts on a Saturday afternoon while doing laundry???
All wounds take time to heal and grow from. And I am still healing obviously.
But then my “word” popped in my head. FREEDOM. That was the word that I formed with play dough one afternoon a couple of months ago before I even realized I was doing it. I had been searching for my word for a while but it was there inside me all along. I asked several of my friends to pick their “word” as well so that I could make plaques for them for Christmas gifts. Two of my friends who happen to be the same age as me and attended University with me…picked FREEDOM too. We might have had different ideas of freedom but it really intrigued me. For me it is freedom from the negative feelings that constantly creep up in my head from my past. It is being free to live MY life and not a life for someone who doesn’t value me or even love me…which is pretty much most of the men from my past. It is freedom to make my own decisions without the need to be accepted by others. It is freedom to let go of my insecurities and become the woman God intended me to be. It is freedom to unlearn everything that I went through in my life and learn to fully love myself for the person I am.
Freedom is many, many things. It is a big word.
When I came home from work one evening last week there was an ambulance and two police cars parked outside my apartment building. I left with a friend to go out to dinner and when we returned they were still there and both of my parking spots were taken. There was a crowd of people standing outside. I parked by the dumpster and walked toward my apartment and a man asked if he was in my parking spot. I told him he was and I asked what was going on. His response was “we found my brother dead.” My heart sank. I told him I was sorry and that his truck was fine in my spot. I have no idea what happened but regardless it was an unexpected death and it was someone who lived in my building. That hits close to home. And being one week before Christmas made me wonder if it was suicide. I am assuming a lot and I have no idea what the cause of death was. Losing a loved one is difficult at any time of the year though…especially at Christmas.
Yesterday I was late getting up for church so in a rush I didn’t eat anything. I did some shopping afterwards and then I came home and did some reading and writing. Around 3:30 I started feeling really bad and realized I had not eaten a bite all day. I got up and made a plate of cheese and crackers and grilled a spinach and artichoke wrap. I sat down on the couch to eat and turned on the TV. As I took the first bite of my delicious wrap a UNICEF commercial came on. You know the commercials. They are HEARTBREAKING. Children in this world are starving to death at this very moment and I am sitting here stuffing my face with this food. And the day before I was pouting because I couldn’t afford to buy a washer and dryer at the moment. Tears rolling down my cheeks I wanted to spit out my food for feeling like the most ungrateful person on the planet.
People are fighting for their lives. People are starving. It is time to BECOME my word and move forward with my life and THANK GOD for all of my blessings!!! I am FREE. Now it is time to let go and give back…with everything I have. Because it is the least I can do.
Back to my prayer…
Lord, cleanse me of ME so that all I am filled with is YOU. Amen
“There’s freedom waiting in the sound. When you let your walls fall to the ground…”
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive
http://youtu.be/AiIwpJcQ34Q