Sometimes it is SO very hard to trust His timing isn’t it? I struggle with being patient all the time. Do I sit and wait for God? Or do I venture out on my own and make new opportunities? I have been in limbo for so long…it is difficult to know what is the right thing to do sometimes. Maybe I overanalyze and think too much? My “day job” is a lab analyst so I think some of the going over things again and again to get a precise result rubs off into my personal life. I want to do things the “right” way this time. It is very confusing. Relationships, jobs, following my calling and my passions, where to live, what to eat etc. etc. etc. But the thing I do know for sure is that you really do have to take things one step at a time. The important part is that you start moving and keep on moving. I read quotes that say be still and wait on the Lord. Then I read quotes that say seize the day and make things happen. I think God gives us a combination of both. Looking back…opportunities have presented themselves to me although it might not have happened at the pace I wanted them to! But that is what is meant by God’s timing. He will not let us move forward until we are ready.
That was a lot of babbling nonsense I am sure. I am just thinking things through and I do that best when I write. I worked late this evening and as I was walking out of my building there was not a soul in sight. It is unseasonably cold for November and as I stepped outside and felt the cold wind on my face I saw the first snowflakes of the season blowing in the street lights. I am by no means a fan of winter but it gave me a very calming peaceful feeling and it was a beautiful. During the five minute walk to my car I had flashbacks from Novembers past. Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday as a child and young adult and November was always my favorite month growing up…so many good memories. As a child I remember family coming to visit from out of town. I remember vacations to the Smoky Mountains to see the fall foliage. As a teenager I remember my Dad raking leaves in our backyard and my Siberian Husky jumping out of the piles he had gathered. I remember my mom making colorful wreaths for the doors preparing for the Thanksgiving Holiday. As a college student I remember being away at the University on my own and my parents coming to visit me at my apartment. Mom brought homemade food and fall decorations for my apartment. I remember a “coffee” that the ladies from our church hosted for me in lieu of a traditional wedding shower in celebration of a wedding that never happened when I was engaged to my college sweetheart. I remember buying my first house in November after moving back “home.” I remember my first wedding that actually did happen on a secluded beach in Hawaii in early Novemeber. I remember my second husband and I putting up our Christmas tree on November 1st (the day after Halloween!) because we were so excited for the holiday season and to be sharing our first Christmas together. I remember last year delivering meals for the Salvation Army with my friend then having a quiet Thanksgiving dinner with my dad at the nursing home. This year…I will remember my first snowflakes.
Looking back, there have been SO MANY good times in my life. This past year I have felt “stuck” in a sense and honestly quite lost not knowing what to do next. I have always just kept forging along no matter what. But this year has been a year to think and to breathe and to find myself and love myself again. Seeing the snow today and remembering happy times from my past reminded me that life does go on. One step at a time…begin the journey, again. Thinking things through is not a bad thing. Start close in…but take the first step. My life might be totally different by next November…I just need to start walking again. Baby steps.
As I was walking tonight and having those memories, I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air and felt the falling snow and I thought about this poem that I saw a few days ago that Liz Gilbert shared on her Facebook page. It spoke to me and wanted to share it (via video). It is about taking that first step. It is about following your own path and nobody else’s. It is about becoming quiet enough to hear what you need to do…to know what is right for you. Our journey’s are all unique and different but we each have to take that step to begin it. Here is “Start Close In” – A poem by David Whyte.