Carpe Diem:
-Sieze the Day, put very little trust in tomorrow (the future).
-The enjoyment of the pleasures of the moment without concern for the future.
-To put aside all differences, all fears, all worries, and just go for it.
-To make the most out of the moment or you will miss out on life and never truly be happy.
Those are just a few definitions I found of the latin phrase “Carpe Diem.” It is something I have been striving towards for over a year now. I have been on a spiritual journey since July 2013 and I have written about my “41st year of transformation” quite a lot in this blog. It has truly been an awakening in a sense. An overwhelming realization that life is more short and precious than I ever imagined.
This topic was actually part of the sermon at church this morning. “People today have lost a sense of urgency in their lives about living for what really matters.” I have decided to follow Christ and live my life for him…there is definitely no turning back since making this choice. I feel a sense of purpose in my life now that I never felt before. I feel like God is working through me in many ways right now and I feel truly blessed. As Christians, our purpose is to glorify God. Through us, we cause his dignity or worth to be noticed. I am far from perfect. I am a sinner. But I am aware of it and I am living with a purpose from here on out. I receive so much positive feedback from the quotes I post everyday on Twitter and from my personal posts on this blog for that matter. It makes me realize that one person can make a difference. Can you imagine if everyone worked together for this common cause??? To help others find their way who may have wandered away from God…or to lead those who have never known him towards the right path??? His path???
The pastor today talked about what it means to truly glorify God. I have had some ideas. To praise and worship him. To live a Christ centered life. It takes conscious effort and daily work. I find that when I go to church on Sunday I find my center again. I am more aware of how I should be living and what is truly important in life. But as the week goes by I begin to backslide, have doubts and forget my purpose. Sometimes I begin to question everything and FORGET to have faith. I think a lot of people struggle with this. And for those who forget…”if you don’t get to your knees, he will put you there.” Isn’t that the truth??? When we are living a selfish life we lose sight of what is important. We tend to lose faith and become bogged down with doubt, fear, worry, regret, depression, anxiety etc.
I have been thinking about writing an entry on the topic of depression for a very long time. The passing of actor Robin Williams last week made me think a lot more about it and how widespread this illness is. I have dealt with it on a very personal level. I have had episodes throughout my life beginning in my late teens. I dealt with a lot of “stuff” at an early age that unfortunately too many others deal with as well. I dealt with sexual abuse, rape, negative relationships with men, my mom’s mental illness/clinical depression among other things. These were experiences that began at an early age and continued throughout my adult life…things that were totally out of my control. Top all of that with low self esteem and being the most shy, introverted and awkward child on the planet! Yet these experiences shaped me into the person I am today.
My mom’s depression had a major impact on me at a very early age. She dealt with depression throughout her teenage years and as a young adult and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was a small child. My dad and I spent more time in mental wards in hospitals visiting her than I care to remember. She tried to take her own life on several occasions. Her struggle was fueled by a chemical imbalance in her brain that she failed to keep under control with medication. She was the most loving, caring, giving, funny, creative, unselfish person on the planet and would give away the shirt off her back or her last penny to someone in need. But when she was down and depressed she was completely helpless and hopeless. It was difficult as a child to watch my mom go through those things. A lot of the time I felt like I was the parent. I cleaned and cooked and was forced to grow up way too fast. My grades suffered in school. I started to be sexually active way too young. I could have really turned out to be a royal mess!!! But my mom instilled a strong faith in God in me at a very early age. She loved Jesus and had a very personal relationship with him and wanted me to know him too. Her struggle ended on June 18, 2003 unfortunately. After years of ups and downs she gave up. My dad was diagnosed with an illness that has taken away his mobility and memory, among other things. My mom couldn’t handle it. She forgot to have faith and be strong. She stopped eating and basically willed herself to death because she couldn’t accept the thought of living a life without my dad. I watched my mom die in the hospital. Her body was shutting down and her official cause of death was aspiration. I basically watched her die choking on her own vomit. The doctors pumped her body full of fluids but it was too late. She had let it go on for too long. She was with God and at peace finally.
Looking back, I wish there was something I could have done to help her. I was there with her everyday. But when someone is so low sometimes there is nothing you can do but just be there…and pray. She could have helped herself as she did many times before but she decided to give up. It is a choice. The woman who made me kneel down in the living room floor when I was a child and accept Christ into my heart as my Lord and savior, gave up. Robin Williams gave up…as have so many others. Some people need more help than others. But if they will not accept the help what are you supposed to do??? It is difficult. When people ask me about my moms death I always have a difficult time explaining what happened. When my mom was on one of her “highs”…it was as if someone flipped a switch. She loved to entertain at our house and hosted countless memorable dinner parties. I won’t go into details here but some of the parties were over the top and still remembered by many today I am quite sure. She volunteered so much of her time to our church. She always took her older lady friends out for lunch. She loved to eat and especially enjoyed seafood and she and my dad went out to eat fish every Friday night. She loved to travel. She loved animals. She loved life. But she lost faith. She forgot her purpose. She gave up.
That is just a little bit about my experience. The loss of my mom really woke me up. I was 31 years old when she passed away and now I am 42. Since losing her I have been so much more aware of how precious and short life really is. We only have a little bit of time here….we need to make the most of it everyday. But my most recent awakening happened after the loss of my second marriage. And that was when I started this blog and the positive tweets. I realized it is time to take charge of my life. It is time to start living my life for someone other than myself. I want to help others who may have lost their way too…
This was a very personal post and I went off on a bit of a tangent. I appreciate you reading it if you made it this far. Everyone is struggling with something. We all hit speed bumps and we all experience victories. The trick is to find a balance and not lose sight of what is important. Faith in God is what is getting me through. It takes work. It takes worship. If you choose not to do those things you will fall again and again. God will put you to your knees to wake you up.
Hear your wake up call…Carpe Diem…