Crucial Conversations

Tomorrow, June 15, 2015, would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary with my second husband. We were married June 15, 2012 in Las Vegas in a private ceremony and exactly one year later on June 15, 2013 our marriage fell apart. We physically separated on July 1, 2013 when he chose to move his belongings out of our home and take steps to end our marriage. I was devastated. And as a result of those events, this website was born.  A MercyMe song “The Hurt and the Healer” with the lyrics “I’m alive…even though a part of me has died” combined with a Dave Matthews Band song “41” (which happened to be my age at the time) were the inspiration for the name of this blog.

That is a bit of background for those who have just found me here recently.

I have been writing since then and my I AM ALIVE movement has slowly begun to take a life of its own…especially on Twitter. It is my passion and my calling…to share my testimony to help inspire and encourage others. I am NOT special. I am NOT seeking attention.  In fact if you know me in REAL LIFE you know I want just the opposite. I am just a regular girl who has just been through a lot…like everyone else. But I have been called to be a light for some reason. And through the process of sharing my story, I am learning and growing and becoming the person God intended me to be. What a relief it is to finally understand that all of the “stuff” I have been through is behind me and I have a bright and blessed future ahead of me! I want you to know that you do as well. Whatever you are going through at this moment, God is NOT finished with you yet.  DO NOT GIVE UP!

As I have been growing through this process, I have gained an ability to see the “bigger picture.” As I reflect on past relationships and friendships that have ended, I always see there was a lesson learned from each of them. I have grown more emotionally in the last 2 years than in all of my adult years combined. I realize that I was not the most positive person. I realize that I was not the best listener. I realize that I had anger issues. I realize that I was extremely insecure. I realize many things now about myself that I can look back on and say that I have changed for the better. I still have a lot of work to do! But I am aware now. I KNOW I didn’t handle conflict in a very constructive way in either of my 2 marriages or other relationships in my past. When it came to important matters, I let my emotions get the better of me and failed in the communication department. I just sucked (for lack of a better word) at communicating! I will say that my 2 ex husbands were not the best communicators either but hopefully they have learned from our experiences as I have.

We listened to an amazing talk today at church on the topic of “crucial conversations” given by Joseph Grenny.  (I will post the video link below…PLEASE watch! I guarantee it will be worth your time.) Joseph explained that when communication matters most, we tend to do our worst. Isn’t that the truth!!! He explained that when you come to a crucial conversation moment you have 2 options…to talk it out or to act it out. For the most part we just plain avoid important conversations for fear of losing a friend or loved one as a result. And when we do choose to have an important conversation, we don’t do a great job at it. Instead of creating a mutual respect and an atmosphere of love we avoid these conversations altogether because of the myth that we cannot tell the truth and keep a friend at the same time which is in reality keeping us from our potential.

I think after watching the video you will very likely have an “ah ha” moment much like I did today.

I have had 2 of these “crucial conversation” moments this week myself with 2 different people. Neither of which went great. In the first one, I was actually fully aware of what I was conveying and trying to do so with love but the person I was in this conversation with did not feel the love. So I failed. He left angry and the issue was not resolved. After this happened I had a memory of one of these kinds of talks 2 years ago with my ex when he was deciding to stay or leave. He was calm and I was abrupt, insecure, scared, yelling, messy, ugly etc. I am not saying he was communicating fully with love, but he was definitely doing a better job than me. This week, the tables were turned and I was on the opposite end. So the next time this happens…now that I am more aware…I hope that I can create a better atmosphere of love so that the conversation can be talked out instead of acted out and end poorly.

The second conversation was a friend trying to give me advice because she cares but probably not in the most loving way. I took it as negative and it made me end the conversation without anything being resolved. I acted out poorly because I did not react well to her strategy of talking to me. It did not feel loving and therefore, I became defensive.  (Just as my other friend became with me in the first conversation.)

The point of this is that there is a very strong need to create safety in what you are going to talk about when you have an important conversation.  If your intent creates defensiveness, your conversation will most likely end poorly.  Creating a feeling of love and mutual respect will lower defenses when there are important things to be discussed. Relationships, marriages, friendships can be saved if the proper tools are used to learn to communicate with each other in a LOVING way. I do not like yelling. And I do not appreciate being yelled at.  We can do better.

James 4:8 “Come near to God and he will come near to you”

One of my conversations was the topic of needing to have a relationship with God in order for a relationship to work. When we grow away from Him…it is SO difficult to keep everything together on our own. When we stay connected to Him, He takes care of us. IT TAKES WORK. But it is worth it.

Have a blessed week!

Stacey ~ iamalive

(Thank you One Life Church for being a light in our city and beyond…)