I Am Alive

I haven’t written much this year. Actually, I just realized I have not posted here since August. Instead of writing, I have been doing a lot of reading, thinking, working, cooking, sleeping, listening to music, and just living a quiet life this year. I am learning to be the me that exists in the now and accepting who I am and where I am at in life at this moment.  

I have had this idea to write a book about my spiritual journey over the last five years. It is mainly about love, heartbreaks, victories, failures, endings, and new beginnings. I also throw in bits and pieces from my past for good measure. Because the experiences that I have gone through influenced choices I have made more recently. Past experiences shaped and molded me into the person I am today. Job changes, my mom’s mental illness and her death, past marriages and relationships with men, my dad’s illness, friendships, loss of pets…all of these experience and more created an image in my head of who I am that is unique from anyone else on the planet. We all go through “stuff” but we all deal with things differently. What might be a huge deal to me might be meaningless to you.

My word for 2018 was “joy.” I am not exactly sure if I found it for good, but I have had moments. Moments are better than nothing, and besides, we cannot be happy all of the time. That would just be weird. I don’t have the energy to smile 24/7! And I don’t expect to do so.

This year I have dealt with a lot of feelings of FEAR when I wasn’t feeling joy. I was afraid to leave my apartment a lot of the time because I suffered from more panic attacks this year than I have for a very long time. Being afraid tells me that my faith is lacking. Living in fear is crippling in so many ways. By not wanting to leave my apartment except to go to work, I have become isolated from friends and family. I have felt really alone this year. My cats are my best friends. (I did adopt a new cat this year. Her name is “New-cat”, of course).

The moments of JOY I felt this year happened when I left my apartment and did something besides curl up in a ball on the couch with my cats. I went to Mexico for four nights back in January with my friend and saw Dave Matthews, Tim Reynolds, Brandi Carlile, Carlos Malta, Joseph, and others perform in concert on the beach three night in a row. I went to Indianapolis for a weekend in June and saw DMB perform for two nights. And in late August I did something I have never done before. I took a road trip out west by myself. I flew from Louisville, KY to Seattle, WA and spent several days in WA state then drove my rental car down the Pacific Coast Highway to San Francisco. I have vowed to go somewhere I have never been before at least once a year and I had never been to SF, so I can check that off my list now. With all of the driving I did in WA state for four days combined with the trip down the coast, I put 1,683 miles on that Nissan Murano. I loved that car. 

My trip was magical and was THE highlight of my year. I made several stops along the way that were suggested in a travel guide I ordered from Amazon. (I don’t leave my house except to go on road trips on the other side of the country, so of course I didn’t buy the guide at a store). I visited Pike’s Place Market and walked around the pier and ate salmon at my favorite little restaurant there. I left WA and crossed over into my favorite state, Oregon. I walked around Astoria and dreamed about the Goonies. I stayed in Seaside and visited Cannon Beach. I just stared at the big rock there for a couple of hours. I didn’t want to leave but I had a schedule to keep. I ate cheese and ice cream in Tillamook. I visited Yaquina Lighthouse near Newport, and Heceta Head Lighthouse on the way to the Sea Lions Caves (the sea lions were unfortunately out to sea feeding in early September, bummer). I stopped in Bandon and visited Face Rock, then Cape Blanco Lighthouse. I then crossed over into California and slept at the Curly Redwood lodge the night before I drove through Redwood National Park. I took a detour from Highway 101 after driving through the big trees via Highway 1 and almost pooped my pants. It was a crazy, winding road that seemed to never end. White knuckling is an understatement. I saw a cat walking along Glass Beach. I fed squirrels popcorn at another lighthouse (can’t remember the name). And then I stopped in Mendocino, which turns out was my favorite place of my entire trip. If you ever make it there, eat some pizza at Flow, then take a walk to the beach and watch the sunset over the ocean. Sleep at the Hill House Inn and I promise you will have the Best. Sleep. Ever. I made it to SF the next day and crossed the Golden Gate Bridge (did the bridge overlook photo op thing), then checked into a nice hotel and ordered dinner. I sat there in the restaurant at the Westin by the airport thinking about everything I had just seen and I wondered where all of the people in the restaurant had been and where they were going. I had a joyful week to say the least. I hoped they did too.

Then I returned home. I was sad after I returned. I knew I would be. Going back to work the day after a trip like that wasn’t my idea of “joy”…I just wanted to transport myself back to the west coast where I was smiling nonstop. I could breathe better out there. I felt the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. I touched the sand and dipped my feet in the cold water. I ate some good food and drank a beer or three every day. I felt peace. 

But I am not rich. In order to afford to take vacations, I must work. The vacation high wore off and I settled back into my apartment with my cats. Work, sleep, work, sleep. And that has been life since September. No trips or anything exciting really.

I’ve been thinking more about that book lately. The one I have been trying to write for five years. That story I want to tell is just a glimpse into my life. Five years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, yet I have been through so much since 2013. I got divorced. I have moved multiple times and changed jobs a couple of times. I took an entire year off from working in a lab and spent several weeks in Japan and then came home and worked as a farm hand at a local charitable CSA. I am back in the “lab” now and I feel like I have come full circle in many ways. I am stable now. Even if I do have some bad days. (I had a panic attack yesterday for no reason at all). I do feel joy sometimes. And I do have a story to tell. It is a story about how God takes care of me no matter what. Even if I go through periods where I feel incredibly alone and abandoned and I don’t believe He will take care of me anymore, he still does. I don’t have to be on a roadtrip or a grand vacation or at a concert to feel joy and peace. It surrounds me all the time if I allow it to. 

My word for 2019 is FAITH. Because without it, that means I have given up. And I owe Him more than that for everything He has done for me.

Keep on keepin’ on you guys. That is the only way.

Happy new year and many blessings for 2019. It’s all going to be ok!

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

 

I saw the above quote on a jewelry ad on Instagram today. It coincided with something I am struggling with at the moment: Facing fear and stepping beyond my comfort zone so I can begin to live again.

I also read these notes I had jotted down at some point in my daily devotional:

“We have to learn to live in the grey day according to what we saw on the mount.”

And…

“Take yourself by the scruff of the neck and shake off your incarnate laziness.”

Wow.

I’ve been wearing a bracelet since 2013 that says “Enjoy the Journey.” It is a reminder to live every single day and not put things off to do in an unknown future. But I haven’t been doing that lately. I have fallen into a spiritual, emotional, and physical coma where I feel like I am just barely existing.

God doesn’t want me to merely just exist.

“God sees the entire journey and knows what’s ahead of you – even if you feel you’re sloshing through the muck. He sees the end of the path – where you will break through the trees and go running into his arms.”

I am going to try my best to start living again and trust God. By the end of this year I want some amazing stories to tell and a fresh outlook on life in general. It has been a five year journey for me to get to this place in my life where I am now, dependent on only myself and choosing to create my own happiness.

I KNOW difficult roads lead to amazing views because I have traveled and conquered them before. And I will again. Getting off the couch and purposely moving forward with courage even if my anxiety is at its worst…is necessary.

I deserve so much more in life than I have been settling for by taking the easy route.

Praying for strength and courage to bust through those barricades and enjoy and trust my journey again. Most people settle. But I am not most people.

Thanks for following along with me. I pray you have the courage to keep moving forward on the road less traveled too. It’s difficult but it’s worth it. 

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

Sharing another message from my friend Lisa Millman. This same subject was on my mind yesterday because of a different but similar picture I saw on Facebook. So when I read her post, I had to ask her if I could share it. It’s powerful. Blessings, Stacey

“Can I say my heart has been burdened all day by what this picture represents. In church today, Jimmy Scroggins showed this award winning photograph by Kevin Clark. Kevin would take these pictures and go about getting awards, dinners, etc. Then people would ask him what happened to the child, etc. It haunted him to the point of despair that he ended up taking his life in 1993. I did some more research and found his suicide note. What Jimmy said today though stopped me in my tracks. How many people am I leaving crawling in the dirt of brokenness while I go about my life? Wow. I can’t save people. That is something only Jesus can and will do. I can encourage people to turn from their sin and believe. Not condemn. Not enable but simply love. Point then towards Jesus. Forgive me, God, when I have ignored people like the child in this picture. They were not desperate for food but desperate for you. The enemy is like the vulture in this picture. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus came for us to have an abundant life. So know the enemy will do everything he can to get you to a point of despair. Oh God, help me be a light to those people. This broke me today.”

I moved recently and I finally got around to buying a dry erase board for my frig. My ADD is out of control these days and I have to write things down immediately or they’re gone forever. (Or at least until the next time I need worcestershire sauce).

So I wrote a couple of needed grocery items down today. I also started another new practice of writing things down on notecards. The words on these notecards consist of positive messages to myself. I’ve been taping these messages in places around my apartment where I will see them on a daily basis…mainly the bathroom. 🙂

This afternoon I thought of a word I wanted to write down on a notecard but my cards were upstairs and I was downstairs. Thankfully I have that new handy dandy dry erase board for my grocery list hanging nearby in my kitchen. I ran in the kitchen before I forgot and wrote down my positive word to myself beside my grocery list. But then more words starting popping up into my head. The more words I wrote, the more words came to mind. After frantically writing for a minute or so, one last word popped in my head: BEAUTIFUL.

Tears came flowing down as I wrote that last word. It was probably the most important one maybe because it was the hardest to accept. It has always been the hardest word for me to accept. And I am not referring to physical beauty. I am referring to beauty on the inside as well.

I always TRY to start my day in a positive mindset but it seems like every single day the negativity creeps in and takes control before I even take a step outside my front door. Before I know it I am having an argument in my head about how stupid, ugly, and unworthy I am…among other things. It is crazy how words can change your mood in an instant isn’t it? The words you speak to others are certainly important, but if you don’t speak politely to yourself you are no good to anyone. Especially yourself.

Today I am embracing my beautiful self and when I start feeling “ugly” again, I have a reminder written down in front of me that the devil is a LIAR and he will not have his way with me today!

The positive words that came to mind were words sent straight from God. The words he uses to identify me are positive and gentle, yet powerful. And those are the only words that really matter.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

• 

I have dated (and been married to) quite a few men who weren’t brave enough to truly love me. I ended a 10 year on again off again relationship with someone about 1.5 years ago. That person never once told me he loved me…over a 10 year period. That is a long time. He told me he loved “parts of me.” Every other long term relationship I have been in, including marriages, were similar. “I love you” may have been said. But actions proved otherwise.

I think when you are brave enough to love someone for who they really are you don’t walk away. You just love.

Like most single women who have social media accounts, I receive the occasional “Hey” in my inbox. Sometimes the person on the other side is someone I don’t know. Sometimes it is someone I know through other connections. Sometimes it is someone I went to grade school with. If I am feeling curious I might check out his profile. If he seems interesting my mind might start to wander.

“Would he even like me if we met in real life? Would I like him? What if it worked out and we got married someday. Would we live in the country and have three kids and a cat and a dog? Or is he more of a city guy?” (Y’all, I ain’t having any kids at this point in my life but sometimes I still imagine it).

Isn’t that crazy? But that is what we women do. We create scenarios in our heads about a future with someone we don’t even know yet. “I knew I was going to marry him the first time we met.” How many times have you heard that? Probably a lot.

Meanwhile, the guy on the other end is sitting there innocently dropping one word messages. He probably sent ten women a “hey” message that day. And the only thing on his mind is truly “hey.” He isn’t thinking about the future at all. He might not be thinking at all. (Sorry guys. 🙂 )

So, I get stressed out about all of it and I just give up again. “Hey” is just too much for me to handle. “Maybe I’m just not ready to meet anyone new yet. I am jaded and damaged. Who would want ALL of me anyway? I’ll just continue to hang out with my cat.”

But then I get lonely again. It is a vicious cycle. Wanting to wait on God. Wanting a companion right now because I want to share life with someone. Freaking out because I don’t think I am good enough. Plus I am beyond terrified of being hurt again. And then back to waiting on God.

Today I am choosing to wait. And I don’t mean I’m just sitting around waiting for the one to knock on my door. I mean living my life as I have been and learning to love myself more every single day, knowing that with or without a partner I am loved more by God than any human being will ever love me. And I have faith that He has a plan for me that does include someone who can tell me he loves all of me. Someone who might want to get to know me beyond “hey.” I might have some bad days and get depressed and lonely. But being depressed and lonely for a little while is a heck of a lot better than chasing after someone who isn’t meant for me. Someone who will only love “parts of me.”

I am waiting for a love bigger than any love I have ever expected. Someone who is going to look at me like he has been looking for me his entire life. And I want to reciprocate that love. It is not forced. It is real. I’ll get discouraged but I won’t give up waiting for this person because this person is waiting for me too. God has been whispering in my ear, “have faith.”

It is all part of His extraordinary plan that I don’t understand yet. But I have faith that I will.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

At some point in our lives, we will get to a point of brokenness. It’s a part of life living in a fallen world. Divorces. Betrayals. Death. Disease. Unemployment. Abandonment. Bullied. Addiction. Financial difficulties. There are many causes. Each one of us will seek to fill the holes in our souls by our brokenness. It may even look like success by throwing oneself into career, kids, etc. Those things only mask the holes and eventually become idols. I learned two years ago that only God can fill all the brokenness in your life. He is the only answer. It’s that simple. It’s that complicated. Once you surrender your life and brokenness to Him, He will use all that you went through for His glory. Know you are chosen and loved by the one true God.

God is love.

~ Lisa