I Am Alive

I have been very busy for the last couple of weeks.  Keeping up with my blog has been difficult but I wanted to check in.  Since my last zoo entry 2 weeks ago today I have been busy working, seeing friends, going to church, running, job searching, having some FUN and trying to get my life back in order.  If you have read my earlier posts you know that I am at a crossroads in my life.  Unfortunately, I officially filed for divorce from my husband one week ago today.  This was one of the most difficult things I have faced in my life.  It takes a great deal of courage to end something that you still believe in…that you do not want to end.  But he left me exactly 3 months ago today and has told me it is over, so I must move on and I am and I will.  I have prayed that he would change his mind but it looks like God wants us to take separate paths for whatever reason.  I am trying to keep faith that things are going to be ok no matter what.  I am feeling better everyday and gaining my joy back (finally!) that I somehow lost along the way.  It is a bittersweet ending…a relationship that I thought would last forever is suddenly gone.  My best friend is suddenly a stranger.  Why???  I do not really even understand this yet myself but I am trusting God.  I know I am blessed.  Things could be a lot worse than they are now.  I have a great roommate.  I have great friends.  I have reconciled with my long lost best friend from my teenage years which has been a complete blessing.  She and I have picked up right where we left off more than 20 years ago and I am so thankful for her friendship.  My cats are healthy and happy and always glad to see me!  And my Dad is doing well…he looks forward to my visits every week.  He is my inspiration.

The subject line to this post is inspired by a song “You Might Die Trying”…a song written by my favorite artist, Dave Matthews.  I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately.  Where do I want to live??? Where do I want to work???  What do I want to do with my life???  I want to help, I want to inspire, I want to do something.  I want to help people in some way who are less fortunate than me.  I have a tremendous soft spot elderly people and also for animals.  (I admire my roommate very much because she fosters homeless animals).  I want to do something with my life that combines the two…somehow…someday.  “If you give, you begin to live”…I want to live.

“You Might Die Trying”

I had an absolutely fantastic day off today.  I decided to go to the zoo…I have been wanting to go there all summer.  I feel summer slipping out of my fingertips so today was the day.  The weather was gorgeous and the animals were actually out and about.  I spent several hours there and took my time checking out every exhibit taking pictures and talking to the animals 😉  It was super relaxing and I really did not want to leave but my hungry stomach said it was time to go!  I will definitely go back again soon.  After a late lunch at the Mexican restaurant close by…I returned home in an extremely thankful and happy mood.  I spent the day with ME.  And I am ok with that.  In past years I wouldn’t have dreamed of spending a day like today all alone.  I am confident with myself now and I know that if I am not happy with just ME I will never be happy in a relationship.  I am realizing that I really need to remember this in future relationships.  It is so easy to get caught up in feelings when you are with another person and forget what is important to you…and forgetting to take care of your own needs.  I am a caregiver at heart…but I think the years of needing to take care of others is catching up with me.  I will always be a caregiver, but from now on I am taking care of myself too.  I have to.  Hopefully this way, everyone will be HAPPY 🙂

Life is SOOOOOO short.  I am living day to day and really trying to enjoy it.  I have down days but I know things will always get better.  And they could definitely be worse.

I have not made an entry here for almost one week.  I have been reflecting a lot about things that I have been going through in my personal life and trying to figure out my next steps.  I have been working out, seeing friends, going to church, enjoying nature and trying to find some peace somehow in this life.  I am learning that I need to jump out of my comfort zone in order to make true changes in my life…right now I am standing still…my engine is idle.  I have so many things to consider…so many options…the world truly is my oyster.

My husband no longer wants to be in my life and I am coming to terms with that.  It has taken a while but I am learning to accept it more everyday.  It takes time.  He was my best friend and my support for 1.5 years and with that suddenly gone I felt lost.  I am finding my way again.  I am healing.  Things happen for a reason and I know God has a plan for me.  I am thankful for that.

My entries will sometimes be personal and sometime not.  I am writing a story about my trip to Japan last month…in particular three special days of it.  I plan to share that soon.  It was a life changing event…although it was something very simple.  I think God spoke to me while I was there and told me to move on…to be happy no matter what happens.  I am in control of my life and my feelings.  I am in control of my happiness.  I am finding courage and confidence once again, finally. And with this courage and confidence I am growing.

I am excited for my new journeys.  Life is truly a journey, not a destination.

I woke up this morning with this song on my mind. I’ve been lucky enough to see John Butler Trio perform live twice…he seems to know what’s important in life and is an amazing song writer.  All I know is…I love you <3

I am learning that my cup is half full too…

I had the most amazing Sunday 🙂  I went to church, had lunch with my dad, went to the gym, had a frozen yogurt and went to the park.  Tonight I am relaxing with the kitties.

Anna met me at church this morning.  The message today was extremely interesting to me because it was about something I am trying to figure out right now.  How to have the life experiences that I want to have in order to feel I am doing my part and to be more fulfilled.  In order to have these experiences we must focus and figure out what our mission is…which leads to action.  From action you gain experience.  “Mission moves you to action and action moves you to experience.”  I WANT to do something so much more with my life besides work to pay my bills.  I WANT to make a difference somehow.  I WANT to be valuable.  I WANT to help others somehow.  I have to figure out exactly what my mission is though…I am working on it.  It is burning inside of me.  I cannot sit still much longer.  I am ready to take action.  I am ready for the experience.

After church I had a great visit with my Dad.  We had lunch together at the nursing home and sat outside for an hour or so.  It was a nice day and we both dozed off enjoying the fresh air.  After my visit with Dad I met up with Anna once again at the gym.  I am feeling proud of myself for beginning to exercise again.  I ran 2 miles on the treadmill today and I plan to do the same tomorrow.  After a stop at the frozen yogurt shop and a drive through the park I am finally back home and getting ready for a new week.  It has definitely started off great so far.  In continuing with my Faith theme from yesterday, I am living one day at a time and I am letting God be in control.

This song is one of my favorites and has really been on my mind all day today…