Alone

“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days – when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone.” ~ Rick Warren

I know that feeling well. I am not necessarily there right now but I still feel and see glimpses of it. I experience hill and valley moments all the time. It is the normal cycle of life. And then there are the down seasons that go on longer than the normal valleys. You know when you feel like you have fallen into a pit and you’re terrified you will never be able to climb back out? That was me in the summer of 2013. I took a trip to Japan after my ex walked out to try and heal. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried for days before I left. I cried on the entire 13-hour flight (when I wasn’t sleeping). I cried when my friend picked me up at the airport and during the hour car ride to her house. I cried for a week straight while I was there. Then we took a surprise trip to Okinawa and there I finally stopped crying. God was waiting for me there. Or maybe I actually decided to look for Him there. I was out of options.

I just watched a short video of a popular female preacher. She said a lot in about 15 seconds that reminded me of everything I just wrote. “Loving the wrong person that makes you feel as though loving you is hard work…is a waste of your time. When someone keeps trying to let you go, let them go! Your future is never tied to someone that walked out on you.” ~ Kim Pothier

I was just scrolling Instagram and happened upon her video and all of those memories came flooding back from my last marriage ending. I am healed now…it was a long road but I am back to me again. Her words spoke to me though. He walked out on me 4 months after we got married and I begged him to stay. He did, but left for good 2 weeks after our one-year anniversary. WHY did I put so much value into a relationship with someone who was not with me for the long haul??? I think about all the tears I cried and how heartbroken I was and how much time I spent recovering. Sometimes I feel like it was a waste like Kim P. said, but then I remember no love is a waste…even if it did tear me apart. It taught me a lot more about myself than I ever wanted to know, but today I am thankful for it. It made me realize that putting another human being first in my life was messed up. We are not meant to give our all to another person first…our all needs to go to God so that we know how to love someone else properly as well as know how to be loved properly. None of that was happening in any of my past relationships. Two failed marriages and two other long-term relationships later…I finally get it. Today I do not define myself by a relationship with a man. I define myself by my relationship with God.

And as a single Christian woman, life is not exactly easy. I don’t fit in a lot of places where I used to. I do feel alone most of the time. I cannot really seem to make real connections at church. My friends and family are busy with their lives. My dad and my cats are pretty much my source of comfort right now. And as lonely as it feels some days, I am okay with it. I have been down as low as one can get and I lived to tell about it. This too shall pass. He makes sure of that. So no matter how I FEEL I know I am going to be okay. My focus is on taking one day at a time and knowing that no matter how dark things might seem…God is always there with me. That brings me much comfort.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive