I hope to be able to start an entry on a cheery note again someday but not today! Wow, what a week I have had. To begin with I have been sick with a nasty sinus infection that started a week ago yesterday. I was stubborn and waited too long to go to the doctor because I didn’t want to pay another medical bill but I finally went Thursday after work. I couldn’t take it anymore. The medicine the doctor prescribed didn’t help though. I usually get a couple of sinus infections in the spring and fall and have not had one for a very long time so I guess I am making up for it now. This morning when I woke up and couldn’t breathe through my nose AGAIN and felt like my head was going to explode I wanted to cry. I am sick of feeling sick. My friend who always checks up on me (thank you S) told me to call the doctor and see if they would call me in something stronger. I did and I am up and writing now…so fingers are crossed this week will be better.
I have been so down lately and being sick hasn’t helped much. I feel like I haven’t had much of anything positive to write about and share here so I haven’t logged on. I feel bad that I didn’t make it to church this morning. Anyone who knows me well knows that if I miss church something is really wrong. I just didn’t have the get up and go this morning. Also, I missed my weekly Sunday lunch date with my dad at the nursing home. I know he waits all week for my visit so that really bothers me. I am getting a little needed rest though and hopefully a better attitude. I had to work over time every night last week on top of not feeling well. Thank God for Allegra D!!! I know I was grouchy and complained a lot last week to my co-workers so I appreciate their patience with me. And finally, I have been on “the outs” with the man in my life too.
It has just felt like NOTHING is going right. I feel like I have been a bad employee, daughter, friend, girlfriend, sister (I am sorry I haven’t mailed either of my sisters bday cards this month!) and Christian. It has just been one of “those weeks.” I still continue to post positivity on Twitter though. It is my thing I cannot seem to stop no matter what else is going on. The quotes I post actually help me. They are reminders that life isn’t as bad as it feels or as I imagine it to be sometimes. I get caught up in my little world and forget to pray and thank God for all of the blessings I have in my life and these quotes give me some focus.
I have been inspired greatly more recently by the story of Elizabeth Gilbert’s life and her own personal “Hero’s Journey.” She is the author of the book Eat, Pray, Love. I read the book when it first came out and I saw the movie a few years later but at the time it didn’t mean much to me. I enjoyed it but I didn’t put a much thought into it. I felt a strong desire to re-visit her story more recently and I was blown away. The journey that she took to find herself reminds me so much of what I have been going through since my second marriage ended in July 2013. Although I haven’t been lucky enough to live in Italy, India or Bali for a year, I have been on a similar journey as Liz. I have been awakened in ways I never imagined before. I find little clues along the way that guide me that I wouldn’t have noticed before I “woke up.” I am more aware of myself, my surroundings and the roles other people in my life play. Some are friends who give support, some are teachers who provide wisdom, some are distractions from my path, some are blessings and some are lessons.
If you have read any of my previous entries you know that I have dealt with a lot of “stuff” throughout my life. During this more recent journey of mine I feel that God has placed a calling in my heart to help make sense of all the stuff. It is a calling that I must answer not only to help me but to help others. I actually feel like I have a purpose in my life now that I never had before. I have struggled with the fact that I didn’t have children, which is a purpose for many women. I thought I wasn’t normal but I never had a strong desire to have a baby. Granted, none of the men in my past wanted to give me children. If one of them had, I might actually be a mom right now. And I think I would have been a good one but I just wasn’t meant to be for some reason. There is a quote in Eat, Pray, Love that goes something like this…”having a baby is kinda like getting a tattoo on your face, you kinda have to be committed.” That quote spoke to me. I wasn’t meant for that responsibility. I guess instead of the Mom or Auntie…I am probably the animal lover. (According to the book there are 3 types of women in the world). And yes, my cats are my kids!!!
Other women find their purpose through their careers…nurses, teachers, counselors, attorneys, accountants etc. They find fulfillment in life through the services they provide through their work. I however haven’t done that either. I have been a laboratory technician for over 16 years and I HATED chemistry in school! I barely passed Organic II in college. Thank you to my professor for allowing us to have the plastic models to help us out when taking exams! H2O is about the extent to my interest in chemistry. It keeps me hydrated and alive. I have met tons of good people through my job experiences though…lifetime friends have been made so for that reason alone I do not regret that path. Plus it has also allowed me to provide for myself and pay my bills.
So with all of that said, without a doubt in my body, I can honestly say that I FINALLY know what my calling in life is at 42 years old and that is to help and inspire others through my writing and sharing positivity. It brings me joy like I have never experienced before. Others can relate on some level to all the “crap” that I have been through. It is reassuring to know that we aren’t going through all of this alone isn’t it? You are NOT ALONE! Liz Gilbert talks a lot about the “Hero’s Journey.” It is a story that we all have inside of us and are meant to share it. By sharing our stories we can help others and that is absolutely what I am in the midst of doing. I am still planning to write that book. But maybe in a way I am doing so piece by piece right here in this blog. I am not a professional writer. My grammar, punctuation and spelling are probably utterly offensive to some of you more writerly types and for that I apologize but I am doing my best. I actually started taking notes and forming an outline for my book a couple of years ago. I started it before I met my second husband and I threw it in the trash after I got together with him because honestly I had given up on my life and I was following his dreams. I threw away just about everything that actually meant something to me and then he threw me away. Go figure. But so many more life lessons have been learned since I started that notebook and I still have the memories in my head so not all was lost. The most valuable lesson I learned so far is that I needed to learn to take care of myself instead of taking care of everyone else like I had been doing most of my life. I needed to learn to love myself. And I actually do now. Even when I am sick and being a crabby patty. God loves me so I should too! 🙂
A note to Charlie (I changed your name finally). I care about you more than you know. You amaze me in so many ways. You quite honestly could be my soulmate because you keep coming back into my life and teaching me more about myself every time. You are NOT a “bad penny” that was a stupid analogy. I just want you to learn to love yourself too and to learn to enjoy life again like you did when you rode your bike on your streets in NJ. I love you and I am ALWAYS here for you. Do not give up ok? God hasn’t given up on you and I won’t either.
Life is short you guys. Live it. Laugh as much as you possibly can. Love deeply even if you are afraid of getting hurt. (I am working on that one myself). There is no dress rehearsal…cliche or not. This is it. Let go of the fear and have faith in God that He is going to get you through…you are not alone. Answer the call that God has placed in your heart. Don’t just muddle through it. And most importantly, enjoy the journey!
iamalive ~ Stacey
My note to Charlie inspired me to say thank you to a few people today who have been along with me on my journey. You will all be included in my book I am sure and I will change names if you prefer….but you have all impacted me and I thank you. And there are MANY more who won’t be included today but please do not think you have escaped! 😉
S – Thank you for becoming such a TRUE friend to me over the last couple of years and especially this last year. Your good morning texts brighten my day! I know I can be harsh with my advice sometimes but I think that is what you want…it is what I want from you too…that’s what TRUE friends do. I just appreciate you more than I can put into words. I look forward to our dinner dates twice per month and I cannot wait to see you tomorrow! 🙂
N – You are my soul sister. You live on the other side of the planet but you can somehow read my mind and know when things are not right. My life have been blessed to have you in it for the last 20 years. Thank you for everything you have done for me and for just being you. And yes, a beach vacation is happening 🙂
S – I don’t even know if I ever gave you the link to this! But If you read it someday you are my sister and best friend. You call me and check on me when nobody else does. We have memories together that began when we were one year old…that is a special friendship that I cherish deeply.
P – Thank you for offering to cook for me and for me to come visit your new kitten! YOU are one of those lifetime work friends I was thinking about. I think we will be friends forever. Maybe our cats will have babies and they will play together someday since neither one of us has kids/grandkids! 😉 #meow
J -You are a positive influence for me. I know we haven’t seen each other much since college…twice? But I look to you for advice because you are such a strong, independent woman and I strive to be like you in many ways. YES I am going to take LM!!! I am also going with you to Germany someday. AND I will be planning a Scuba trip with you within the next couple of years!
A – I HATE that our friendship ended, again. I tried to repair it but for some reason GOD doesn’t want us to be together. We were friends when we were kids, we were friends in our 40’s and for some reason I think we will reunite again…maybe in the old folks home? Regardless, I thank you for being you and for being REAL. There aren’t many people out there who will tell me exactly what I NEED to hear. I just wish it could have been handled differently. I still love you and your family even if you do not think very highly of me. I am sorry.
KSSS – I thank you for making me realize again that not everyone has my best interest at heart and that I shouldn’t trust just anybody who tells a good story. “Looks” can be deceiving and I appreciate you for opening my eyes to that again. You are an interesting creature and I wish you well where ever you are…Nashville, Texas, Vermont, Colorado…who really knows.
B – YOU are my adopted daughter as I have said so many times. We don’t see each other much but I truly enjoy seeing your pictures of your little family (#meow) and enjoy reading about your life experiences. I think we will always have a connection…you are a very special friend to me. We survived AWA together! LOL
L – I know there are hard feelings and I apologize. I know a lot of things were my fault. But some things…no. I TRULY do appreciate you and your husband standing by me during that difficult time and lending your support. You helped me more than you know. You were good to me in the short time that I was part of your family too, and I appreciate that. Hopefully the camper won’t be sitting on your property forever 🙂
KMJ – THANK YOU FOR BEING THE SWEETEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. I am proud to be your daughter for the rest of my life even if your son and I are not together anymore. You both know how to enjoy life, know what is important in life…and you GENUINELY CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. This world needs more of you! Thank you for always being there.
D – Thank you for opening my eyes. My life started the day you walked out. It was ROUGH but necessary. I have no clue what your life is like now but I do hope you are happier than you were with me. We had some good times and I miss a lot of it but some of it not so much. I lost myself for those years and you leaving helped me get back on track. We bought a bus (lol) and we had an Elvis wedding…those are the memories I will keep now. I wish the best for you.
L – Although we failed…it wasn’t all bad. We had some AMAZING trips. You were my perfect mate as far as having the desire to travel. And you came along right about the time my mom died and I NEEDED you. You helped me have fun and you helped me to learn to live. The concerts/trips/Holidays were a blast and I will never forget any of it. We were better off as friends though…if we lived closer I would definitely hop on the back of your Harley with you and go grab a beer. I wish you well my Canuck.
K – I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for staying with us all of these years and taking good care of my Dad. Not only are you a caregiver, you have become a true friend and are like family. I appreciate you more than I can put into words for keeping my Dad company and for making him LAUGH!!! You and your sweet husband brought him to my house several years on Christmas day and for that I could never repay you. And we had some good times on our Red Lobster outings! My memories with you are of laughing and we all need more of that! Maybe we should bring Red Lobster to him sometime? Anyway, thank you!
S – My “landlord” or roommate? I don’t know but I thank God I found you the day I did. Or you found me. You have given me a safe place to live and a roof over my head during a time when I do not have much of anything else. The dogs? It is all good…thank God I am animal lover! Last week kind of inspired me actually. “Facing Pumba” lit a fire under my butt. He scared the crap out of me and made me realize I have to FACE MY FEARS and get on with my journey.
C – You are the sweetest man on the planet. And you are the meanest man on the planet…wrapped into one. And I am sure you can say the SAME about me. I could look into your beautiful blue eyes forever. But. At some point we would have to TALK and for some reason that doesn’t work for us. I wish things could be different…it would be a lot easier. I just THANK YOU for loving me the way you do. And for FINALLY being able to tell me that you do after almost 7 years??? It is good to know that I am actually lovable again, so I thank you. When I told you I hope you will always be a part of my life I truly meant that. I don’t know if it will be just friends or more but I think we both need to continue on our journeys a little longer until that becomes clearer.
THIS IS THE LONGEST BLOG POST EVER AND IF YOU READ ALL OF THIS THANK YOU!!!
HAVE A BLESSED WEEK! XO