When I was a little girl I remember my mom asking me to kneel down on the living room floor and ask Jesus to come into my heart. I remember being confused but I remember doing it with as much sincerity as I possibly could being a small child and not fully understanding what that meant.
Today I understand what that means yet I do still struggle with my faith. I do believe that God sent his only son here to Earth to save us. I believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead so that we could have eternal salvation from our sins. I believe these are facts like any other historical occurrence. Yet, I may not be at 100%. I struggle everyday. I sin everyday. I TRY my best to live a Christ centered life yet I fail again and again. I am a hypocrite. I am hard on myself. I am ashamed. But I know I am forgiven.
I have been through so much “stuff” in my life as have most of you reading this. The junk bogs me down and clouds my thinking at times. It can be very waring. I sometimes lose focus. I sometimes lose faith. I forget to pray. I take paths that I know are not right for me. I become afraid, confused and scared. But when I snap out of my little world and remember that I am never alone, I feel peace once again. It is calming and reassuring. I know that no matter what life throws at me I will be ok. I have to keep myself in check though. It is a day to day thing.
I remember being such a shy and innocent little girl. I am still that girl deep inside although life has hardened me somewhat. I do not even watch the news at all anymore because I cannot handle it. I am scared. I have doubts. I do not trust others easily anymore. Why should I when all others do is cause me pain??? But I have finally reached a point in my life where I FINALLY feel like I am grown up. I know what it good for me and what is not. I try not to drink just to be drinking. I have an occasional drink with friends or with a meal but I do not like to drink just sit and drink alcohol alone. I do not have sex with men who do not love me. I am saving my body for someone who deserves to me. I do not deal with negativity anymore. When someone brings me down I walk away. I do not care what others think like I used to. I have finally let go of all of the insecurity and “stuff ” that turned me into a person I really was not due to circumstances beyond my control and some that were by my choice. I wandered away for years but I have returned and so many burdens have been lifted.
In a way I am still that shy innocent little girl who knelt down with my mom on the living room floor. But now I understand what faith means. I understand what giving my life over to the Lord means. I have never been as dedicated to it before in my life as I am right now. I am blessed more than I can express in words. I have everything that I need and I know that everything is going to be “ok.” I used to say that simple prayer over and over, “please God just let everything be ok.” EVERYTHING IS OKAY.
Thank you Lord for forgiving my sins and for coming to live in my heart. Through my faith in you I have eternal life. Your unconditional love is all I need. Please give me the strength and fortitude I need to live my life for You. Amen.