Finding Me

It has been almost a year since my second husband walked out.  Actually tomorrow will be 11 months to the day that my world came crashing down…July 1, 2013.  We celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary on June 15, 2013 and that was the day things began to unravel for good.  I had a two week “warning” that he was contemplating leaving me.  And on July 1, 2013 he did just that.  I came home from work in the afternoon and all of his belongings were gone.  No note, nothing.  I was alone.  It was a feeling I had felt  once before when my first husband left me in 2007.  Both times, I felt an overwhelming feeling of shock and desperation.  Like time stood still and I couldn’t believe this was actually happening.  But it was real.

Fast forward almost one year.  I am a completely different person than I was one year ago.  I am still me but my outlook on life has changed.  I know that people and things in life are NOT permanent.  The one thing I know I can count on for sure now is that things are going to change.  For better or for worse…change is a constant.  There are a few things I can always count on.  My satellite radio cutting out when I drive by my workplace.  Every single time.  I can count on the change of seasons every three months.  I noticed the cottonwood blowing in the breeze a couple of days ago.  It looked like springtime snow and it reminded me that another full year has passed by.  Spring and summer are my favorite time of the year so I am very aware when the azaleas, tulips, magnolia and dogwood trees begin to bloom.  I am also reminded by my allergies!  This past winter was a long cold one.  The longest I can remember.  I spent a lot of time working on myself.  I read books.  I wrote articles and blogged.  I tweeted positive quotes.  I got used to being by myself again and actually enjoying my own company.  I took myself out on dates to the movies and out to eat.  I began to get my joy back again that I had lost somewhere along the way during my second marriage.  I started to formulate a new plan for my life…a one year plan.

I have taken a few steps backwards however.  I think we all do.  But for every setback there is a greater comeback I truly believe. I thought I fell in love again but now I realize it was not real.  Love doesn’t bring you down it brings you up.  I think it really was a lesson to learn that I am actually ready for a possible relationship again.  I have been hurt deeply in the past and my guard has been up but I am still open to love.  I have enjoyed being single this past year more than I ever have in my entire life.  A year free to just be with me and not seeking love or attention from the opposite sex was much needed.  It was necessary in fact in order to heal properly.  When I took my wedding vows I truly meant them with all of my heart and intended to stay with that person for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately he didn’t feel the same way.  But now I realize it was for the best.  I was not myself in that relationship.  I am myself again.  It has been a slow process and a sort of awakening.  I feel AWAKE now…more so than I ever have in my entire life.  I let go of a negative relationship that began very recently before it went too far because I knew in my heart is was NOT right.  In the past I would have ignored my gut instincts and fought for it even though I knew deep inside it was unhealthy.  I cared for this person but I care for myself more.  I definitely shocked the hell out of my friends by ending it before it went too far and put myself first for once.  And that is how I will live my life from here on out.  There is no going back…I have changed because I finally WANTED to.

I still have a long way to go but I am getting there.  I let go of a best friend this year because I felt our relationship was not positive anymore.  I let go of a potential new love because he was not right for me.  I lost my marriage.  I lost my home.  I lost pretty much all of my earthly belongings.  I have minimal “stuff” now.  I am in a temporary living situation and I have a temporary job.  BUT.  I know in my heart that I am on a good path and that I am going to be ok.  God has given me strength to get through the tough stuff.  And I am here listening and waiting for Him to guide me to my next steps wherever they might go.  I REFUSE to deal with negative people.  Anything that brings me down will not remain in my life.  I am spending every free moment I can outside soaking up the sun and enjoying nature.  I have not had my TV on in MONTHS.  People ask me what I do in my free time and I just respond that I am hanging out with myself.  I am learning to know myself again. I am unlearning the things that I thought I wanted that were not good for me.  I am becoming more and more grounded.  Going to church every week has helped me tremendously.  I am not a “churchy” person but the church I started going to last summer ROCKS, literally. The music inspires me and the weekly message keeps me focused.  Last week one of the campus pastors said something before the service started that is still stuck in my head…”We spend the first half of our lives trying to reach for the sky and the second half realizing it’s all around us.”  I know EXACTLY what he meant.

I miss having a partner.  I miss wearing my wedding band.  To this day I still notice it missing.  I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  However, I want to be the BEST ME possible before I jump into another serious relationship.  I have complete faith that God is looking out for me and has an amazing plan.  I get impatient at times but I know HE has my back…even when everyone else has abandoned me.  I am never alone.  His love never fails…

Very personal post today.  It has been a while since I have written and I have been trying to wait until I felt in my heart I was ready…and it just came pouring out.  I hope if you are reading this you can take something positive from it.  My on-line “diary” is just a little way of doing my part…

Peace and Love, Stacey