I used to have an entire hope chest full of self-help books. A piece of furniture that was once filled with dreams and items for my future in anticipation for married life someday turned into a storage unit for surviving relationships. The books were purposely hidden from daylight opposed to resting on a bookshelf with my other books…well because I was extremely embarrassed of them. I was terrified to admit that I actually needed help. Those books and the hope chest itself were casualties of downsizing during my last marriage. Sometimes I wish I had kept a few of them just as a reminder of how far I’ve come.
I don’t remember every single book but some of the titles included Women Who Love Too Much, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise, Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay and Finding Peace…to name a few. Also pretty much every book written by Dr. Laura and even a few Dr. Ruth to mix things up. There were others. The more I read the more I craved. I was searching for outside help because I didn’t understand why I kept finding myself in one bad relationship after the next. In my search for love I was finding everything except love. And in the process, I lost myself.
I was in a relationship with someone for 6 years who basically lived with me for free and was in love with someone else. I was married to someone for 3 years who used me to obtain U.S. citizenship. (It took me a long time to accept that one). I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 3 years with someone who told me he loved “parts of me” while I gave him my everything. I did the internet dating thing for about a year, which was hands down the most miserable year of my entire life. I began to hate myself that during that season because of my need to please men who were basically strangers. They told me everything I wanted to hear, got what they wanted, then disappeared. And then I was married to someone for a year who didn’t love me enough to go the long haul so he cut his losses and split. That was my breaking point.
I Am Alive was born after the realization that I was actually worthy of love. I didn’t need to find my value in men who didn’t appreciate me or truly love me. My value came from who I was in Christ…the one who picked me up off of the floor when I thought my life was over. My value came from realizing that after all those years of seeking love in all the wrong places, that I needed to love myself first.
If you do not love and respect yourself…no one else will either!!! WHAT A RELIEF TO FINALLY GET THIS THROUGH MY HEAD!!!
I see other women still seeking love in all the wrong places. Some of them are my friends. I will get a random message “I found the one! He’s perfect!” I reply that I am happy about the news but to please be cautious. I used to be that girl. I thought every single one was “the one.” I was seeking Mr. Perfect when it turns out the most perfect relationship I could ever have begins inside of me.
Love yourself. Respect yourself. Value yourself. Don’t move too fast. Don’t trust too easily. Be cautious. It’s okay to love! Don’t be afraid to love!!! But LISTEN to those gut feelings. I ALWAYS had those gut feelings that things were not quite right. But I ignored them. I swept them under the rug. I wanted to be a savior. I wanted to change people. I thought the more I gave and the more I did the more love I would receive in return. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way ladies and gentlemen.
Find God. Find yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. Then everything else will fall into place. Cliche? Maybe so but it is the TRUTH. I am not actively seeking a relationship right now because I have too much work to do. I am busy walking with God and learning and growing and loving myself more than ever. It is the best gift I have ever given to ME. Time to not look for love but time to realize I have all of the love I need already. When I am ready to love a partner again, it will happen. God will determine the rest of my love story. I am not going to pay “eCrazy” $50 a month to find Mr. Right. I am not going to sift through the ridiculous profiles on “Plenty of Phonies.” And until then…I am reading and writing and quite possibly might be inspiring or helping someone else by sharing my knowledge from my experiences. And most importantly, I’m seeking Him first…which is a much more meaningful and productive use of my time!
Happy November! A new month and a new season…what a great time for turning over new leaves! 🍂🍁🍃
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive
“You are my treasure and my reward
Let nothing ever come before
I seek You
First”