Romans 6:6 “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.”
A slave to sin. That is exactly how it feels when you are tangled up in the web of it. Believe me I know. There are several years of my life that I would love to erase from my memory bank because I don’t like the person I was then at all. I have to remember that person didn’t like herself either. She was lost and broken and searching for love in all the wrong places. Self worth was non-existent at that point.
I thought I had it all the day I got married on a black rock beach in Maui in 2004. I was 32 when I married my first husband. At the time it felt like things were happening late in life for me so I was happy to finally be settling down. I really thought we would have a baby. Fast-forward 12 years to now. That marriage ended after three short years and the next one was shorter than that. The period of time between my first divorce and meeting my second husband are the five years I am referring to when I say I’d like to erase most of it. Instead of healing and working on ME I threw myself into Internet dating because I didn’t want to deal with my feelings and I hated being alone. Those certainly are not reasons to jump into more relationships. I found myself chasing after men who had zero interest in me besides sex. I found myself in an on again off again relationship with someone who didn’t love me and was not ready to be dating either. Yet I fought for it ignoring all the signs and the pain it caused me. Then, I went on a shopping spree of sorts. I signed up for every dating site I could find…all at the same time. I was on the hunt for love and husband number 2. I found him after going through a dozen or so that I thought in my heart were Mister Right until I didn’t hear from them after the first or second date. I did a lot of self-degrading, self-destructive things, and put myself in dangerous situations and didn’t even have sense enough to realize it. I remember doing the walk of shame more than a few times. I loathed myself and what I had become. I was not secure enough to stop the cycle of hurt and shame and instead heal myself. I was sinning left and right and upset that things weren’t working out the way I wanted. What is that quote? “If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas.”??? I did a lot of scratching for sure.
Then I met my second husband and I thought life was finally better. It lasted a year. Something happened to me during that marriage though. When it ended I had ZERO desire to jump back into the dating scene and “find me a man.” I actually wanted nothing at all to do with men. Something clicked in my brain finally. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” I guess I was insane until I turned 41. Thank you God for opening my eyes and for breaking my heart so all I wanted to seek at that point was YOU. I talk a lot about feeling alone and really not having anyone close to share my life with right now. It sucks. But I KNOW it is necessary. He has me here for a reason and this time I am being obedient.
I received a gift of faith after my lowest point. It has lasted consistently for nearly three years. I can’t explain exactly what happened…but when I was in Japan in 2013 I had a spiritual moment with God and a feeling came over me letting me know that I was going to be okay. I still feel that intense feeling occasionally. Broke. Alone. Unsure of my future. Yet I am still better off than I was during that five year period between my two marriages when I had everything…a good job, a nice home, material items, the means to travel, etc. But back then I didn’t realize I had everything. I thought the only thing that defined me was a relationship. Now with nothing, I appreciate everything. It is kind of awesome how that happens. The walls of your life come crumbling down and you are standing there in the ruins with a choice to make…collapse with it or rise again and become YOU. I am still going to trip on some bricks or rocks or even bump into some mountains…but a moment of grace strengthened my faith enough to last an eternity. I am no longer a slave to that sinful life. I am free.
“Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes. And my burning heart can scarcely take it in. As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes. The only song my soul can find to sing is Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah my King.” ~ HU
I heard that song at church this morning and it’s been stirring in my heart all day. Jesus’ crucifixion, resurrection, and transfiguration are the reason I am here writing these messages. Once you believe, there is no turning back. The old is gone. Hallelujah…
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive
(If you are reading via the newsletter please click www.iamalive41.com so you can watch and listen to this video by Hillsong called Transfiguration)