I have shared Bryan’s blog in the past and I asked him if it’s okay to share with you all in the future and he said, “Anytime.” (Thank you sir!)
I subscribe to his blog 1manzstory and enjoy reading his daily entries. His focus is recovery but he writes about life and well, pretty much everything. I relate to something in most of his posts and I think you will too. You can subscribe to his page at www.1manzstory.com
There are too many entries to choose from so I randomly picked four. Enjoy!
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive
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In Memoriam 4/8/16
The only part worse than feeling is knowing that trying to change them will only make matters worse. There have been very few times where the pain of hearing of someone passing thru this life has caused me to grieve. I grew up watching Patty Duke reruns and Merle Haggard on the stage of the Grand Ol Opry in Nashville. The latter was a right of passage on a Saturday night, and Hee-Haw of course. I never was a Lawrence Welk kind of kid I suppose. And getting up to turn the knob on the TV thru six feet of shag carpet was real tough back then. I remind my kids of that often when they lose the remote. I guess that’s what makes me sad that somehow thru their lives, I realize my own mortality. Even legends have one final curtain call. I drank for many years listening to the working class songs that Merle wrote. He was a lyrical genius writing about his experiences growing up living dirt poor in a boxcar in Bakersfield, California by way of the Oklahoma Dust Bowl. He truly was an Okie from Muscogee. But the real clincher for me is how he turned from that life, heard Johnny Cash play live while in Folsom Prison on robbery charges, and was pardoned with a dream to write and play the songs he lived and have it piped into everyone’s households via radio. He became a legendary outlaw but never forgot his older sister,Rose, on his visits back home. He finally gave up that hard driven life thru surrender, too. Patty Duke grew up a child prodigy after being given up by an alcoholic father and a mother who could not raise her. Her ‘agents’ changed her name, took her identity, threw make-up on her, and propped her on stage at the tender age of 10 for all the world to see, and then robbed her of all her earnings as a young teenager. The most tragic of all is her spiral into alcoholism and diagnosis of bipolar disorder. She battled both and learned a hard fought lesson. It took lithium, a natural chemical in the body, that came to the forefront of modern psychiatric medicine in the 60’s, to treat her bizarre mood swings. Her memoir, A Brilliant Madness, chronicles her descent into a living hell. But in some way, she found the inner strength to conquer her demons just like Merle, and became the face of mental health advocacy in America. I’m no legend, was no child star, and have no crown jewel moments on the big stage, but somewhere in my own humanity, I can relate to the struggles both endured because they got honest and opened their lives for us to see. That’s why I grieve, because both gave me hope that I could surrender to my own dark moments, give up the bottles, and live a life worth writing about. Thanks for the memories you two, and may you both fly with ‘silver wings’…….good day….b
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Frustrations 4/6/16
I usually feel compelled to write about topics that are affecting me at the moment. None so much greater now than the feeling of frustration. I could go on a three blog rant about how life is beating me up, but that’s not solution. I can choose to stay in the problem, but that’s not solution. I have to stick with the solution and those who are actively seeking recovery from former lives riddled with booze and pills. Those weren’t the answer either, as so many of us have found. When I found the rooms of 12 step recovery, I was bedeviled in ways that twists a man’s brain, and there is where I discovered that I have a disease without a cure, except abstinence. But how do I remain abstinent and remain happy, joyous, and free in moments of despair?….. I had been contemplating having my cable cut off for a myriad of reasons, but never mind me calling AT&T. I took matters in my own hands while in a hurry to get on the road. Nothing gets me in frustration quicker now than impatience. My bike was on top of the rack of my SUV when it caught the cable line to the cabin; out with cable, out with wifi. I had several writings to post, so I began using my 4g on my phone for Internet when I erroneously cut and deleted them. I know, I know…. first world problems but these are a drunk man’s excuses, and I became increasingly agitated and frustrated at my haste. What works when nothing else does? Praying to God and going to recovery meetings with like minded people helps. Seeing a newcomer picking up a white chip of surrender is a powerful reminder of life just over the crack in the sideways walk of life. Lord knows, I have many starting over chips in my top drawer. I was fishing in the marshes last week when my lure became entangled in some grasses and my line “bird-nested” around my spool, and I forgot the one tool I need the most, my knife. Frustration all at the expense of trying to catch a turning high tide. These are the thoughts and actions that kept me in the cups for 25 years. I could survive the bigger thorns, but the pinpricks get to me. What is it about this psychic change that I can’t even see in myself until a few days and few frustrating moments later that I made it without a drink? I simply do not get loaded over them anymore. Those frustrations, I am learning, will come and go. Life changes and thru a process of time and willingness, God sees fit to look after me in spite of my unraveling moments in time….good day!…b
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Storms 4/2/16
Sometimes life can be so tough and cruel that I understand better now why some make the extreme sacrifice rather than fight. There are days even now when I want to throw up my hands and quit. The enemy wants me to believe that life should be easy and smooth. It reminds me that there are shortcuts in life we can all take, but ultimately I’ll sacrifice everything over the allure of that first drink. I know because I’ve done it time and time again. I was not able to cope with events in my life that were outside my control, and what I’ve discovered in recovery is that I control little to nothing in this world. Some days I get caught up in storms that only God can help me thru. I must turn my face toward the One who gives and takes away. The blessing may be in what I lose in order to see the real value and importance in what I have. It’s hard to accept, I know. I held onto resentments, bitterness, and anger for far too long, and I struggled with the idea that life is not fair. It’s not, but somehow I was going to make it fair, by God. I get reminded often that my Creator doesn’t need me to straighten out everything I see that is wrong with the world. I just simply need to accept the processes of the ebb and flow of life. Yesterday, my son and I got caught in a storm while kayaking in the marshes. Every now and again, I would look up to see it blowing in the dark clouds overheard. They appeared to be splitting, but just as we arrived into the big river, the bottom fell out. Life can be much the same. I think I have arrived, and the bottom falls out. It rains on my life, and I begin to feel sorry for myself. I become at odds with God and my fellow man, and before I know it, I think a highball in hand will solve it. That’s what alcoholism does to me….and I haven’t had a drink in almost four years….blessings!…b
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The Good Life 3/31/16
Sometimes life has other plans, and I have to learn to embrace change. I’ve been resistant to change for much of my life because I wanted my way. It’s like beating my head against bricks; I can’t win. I do believe that I have a purpose today. It’s simply to ask God that His will be done in my life now. Whatever the circumstances or chains that I have been bound to before no longer hold me back. I am free because the obsession to change how I feel has been lifted. I’ve fought and resisted the notion that I could not recreationally drink or use mind altering chemicals. That became a lonely, cruel and dark world. Today, I walk in freedom. I have a choice. Completely powerless, I lost the power of choice long ago. As long as I continue to surrender, I will remain free. I have problems like the next guy. I can be overwhelmed by fear, anger, or despair. I get down and depressed, and I have highs and lows. That makes me human, and to confess it causes those emotions to lose their power over me. I have a better way to live today and I call it the good life. The transformation that occurs when a man works the steps is amazing. My life is amazing because of it. Sorrow has been replaced with joy and happiness. I no longer live in despair. I find hope thru watching others lives change all because I pray for willingness and humility. I no longer have to hide behind the wall of denial or lie about something that is not true. I am more trustworthy and with that comes self respect. I want to encourage you if you are struggling with life that there is a better way out there for all of us. I found it by giving up trying to control everything including the waves. Some days we all have to pack our boards and go home. There is nothing out there that a drink or drug won’t make worse. I’m reminded of the good life every day my feet hit the floor…..blessings!…b
