I had an embarrassing moment today. You know the kind of thing that makes you want to crawl under a rock and never come out? Like when you realize you have been walking around all day with your fly unzipped? Or when you went to the bathroom at work several hours earlier and you were in such a hurry that you forgot to buckle your belt? Or when you totally blanked out and forgot someone’s name that you were just introduced to five minutes ago? Or when you were walking around the grocery store with your pants leg all hiked up on one side in your boot? Or when you had a dryer sheet hanging out of your jeans and you noticed it on your way home from work? Can you relate??? Well, I have never done any of those things! 😉 Okay I am lying! 😳
Why do most of these examples relate somehow to pants? I do not know but maybe those are on my mind because the pants leg hiked in the boot thing actually happened today while I was shopping at Wal-Mart! And not only did that happen but as I was shopping for groceries it hit me that I made a glaring error on a blog post a couple of entries back. (If you are a Star Wars fan you more than likely noticed). I don’t know what made me think about it while I was shopping for cheese but I logged onto my blog on my phone while standing mid aisle, pants hiked and all, (I hadn’t noticed that yet) and corrected the blog error in that instant. I almost had a panic attack over it because I thought it was really, really dumb.
I can be REALLY hard on myself sometimes.
We all make mistakes though don’t we? Why is it so difficult to admit when we are wrong?
I had dinner a few nights ago with a sweet friend. We went for Mexican food and I had a margarita with dinner. I don’t drink often but I think they added ALL of the tequila to mine because I talked about a lot of things I don’t normally talk about to anyone…anymore at least. Things from my past came up and I disclosed information about some of the choices I made that I am not proud of at all. I am actually extremely embarrassed about many of them. Maybe I have not truly forgiven myself. My friend does not judge me but the next day I woke up with feelings of extreme shame.
I also talked to her about a problem I have with people not being authentic. “The struggle is real” does not apply to them in my mind. I become self-righteous and judgmental about others and allow it to bother me when they try to appear to be perfect on the outside with words or appearances when I (and everyone else) know better. BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE?!? Here I am a fumbling, stumbling mess with my pants hiked up in my boot and incorrectly quoting Star Wars. I have suitcases full of baggage from two failed marriages as well as three other failed relationships. But who’s counting? I have changed jobs multiple times throughout my career mainly because I have not yet found my work niche. (When I get paid to do this or something tied to it…I will be on my way). But even if I do I am still going to fail and screw up from time to time. That is life. Life is not perfect.
As usual, the message at church this morning spoke straight to me. “To become great at the greatest thing (love)…be forgiven.” And “To become great at the greatest thing (love)…include others.”
I don’t sit around dwelling on negativity (about myself or others) all the time like I used to. But it creeps in every little chance it gets if I am not careful. I just have to be aware when it is happening. And I need to make the choice to FORGIVE myself for my mistakes. Some of them are just plain goofiness on my part (not buckling my belt in a hurry at work) but some were clear choices I made. And when I truly forgive myself then I can truly forgive others. I lose the negative thoughts and the judgment. I trade it all in for love. Love of myself and the entire universe and everything in it.
I saw the movie JOY with my other sweet friend (they are all sweet!) last night. And I am NOT going to give details about this one for fear of making an error 😉 but the gist of it was that you cannot LIVE your life as long as you are hiding from it. I am all about living. I am all about making mistakes. I am all about making a complete fool out of myself if my message reaches someone in the process. I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be authentic. I want to let others know that it is OKAY to make mistakes. And it is OKAY to forgive yourself when you do so.
From this morning:
1 John 4:11-12 “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”
Amen.
Today was a good day. After church I drove down to Kentucky to visit dad at the nursing home. We watched two back-to-back movies on the Hallmark channel, munched on popcorn, and had some good, warm laughs. I also stopped by my hometown and walked in the snow on the riverfront, breathed in some fresh, cold winter air, and took some pictures of the train bridge. I have spent a lot of time sitting there waiting for trains to pass by on that bridge. It brought me a lot of joy today.
Those are the moments to think about. The ones that actually matter. The moments that are reminders of just how amazing it is to be alive, right now. God is so good and I am so blessed. Hiked pant leg, glaring Star Wars error, really poor choices from 10 years ago or tomorrow…I am authentically imperfect. But I am forgiven. And so are YOU!
Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it. And so do your people.
THAT IS JOY!
Blessings!
Stacey ~ iamalive
