In my younger days I really did not understand the term “midlife crisis.” What in the world would make a 40 something year old man go out and buy a brand new corvette and leave his wife and kids for a 20 something younger woman?
I mean, did he just totally lose his mind?
That was my idea of it anyway. Isn’t that the typical stereotype? But what about the women who leave their crappy marriages and desire to lead a single life because they feel they lost their identity in their abusive, controlling husbands? What about the women who leave their marriages for a relationship with another man? (It’s not just the men doing the leaving and corvette buying). What about the women who leave their marriages for a relationship with another woman? (This is happening so much lately and I’m really confused). What about the women who go back to college in their 30s or 40s or even 50s because they got pregnant at 20 and never finished their degree? What about the women who did everything by the book – college degree, perfect career, perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home, perfect life – and they woke up one day and said “this isn’t MY life.” And they quit everything and started making jewelry or candles at home, leaving the corporate world behind and started an online store?
I am THAT woman. But looking back, I NEVER imagined I would experience a “midlife crisis” myself. My life was far from perfect in my 20s and 30s, but I did have the degree, the job, the marriage. etc. I worked all week then woke up early every Saturday morning and cleaned every inch of my house until it was spotless and I could eat off the floor, followed by the weekly shopping and errands. I was organized and tidy and I kept a calendar. Taking care of business and checking off my to-do list ruled my life. But where was the fun? Where was the joy? I was so busy doing that I wasn’t living.
I know MANY women right now who are experiencing this thing labeled “midlife crisis.” The women I admire and read about are close to my age. The women I associate with daily are close to my age. Many of the women I am connected with on social media are close to my age. And there are SO MANY who are going through this “crisis” thing.
This tells me there is something very wrong. All this time we were brainwashed to think we were supposed to live a certain life because that’s just what we are supposed to do?! Our dreams and desires and who we are on the inside got lost and hidden deep down under the muck until we didn’t even know who we were or what WE wanted anymore. We became miserable creatures. We lost years of life as slaves to an idea of being something we weren’t.
And then somehow, somewhere along the way magic happened. It’s like a sprinkling of fairy dust falls over your entire body while you are sleeping one night and you begin to wake up with a tingly feeling all over. The awakening is fast. You don’t lazily walk to the kitchen to brew coffee. You don’t flip on the TV for hours of mind numbing shows. You don’t sit in the bathtub and down a bottle of wine. You instead sit up in the bed or you pick yourself off the floor and you say, “enough is enough.” And you start living YOUR LIFE that very moment. You stop giving a damn what everyone else thinks because…well, they aren’t happy either. And you realize that if you aren’t happy, nobody else around you will be. You finally make YOU a priority.
So you quit that perfect job. You get out of that dead relationship. You let your house get a little dirty and you skip washing your hair for a couple of days. And then you focus on you. You find out what makes YOU happy. You read a lot. You go work part time on a vegetable farm. You make tie-dye shirts. You paint even though you cannot even draw a stick figure. You drag the boxes of craft projects out of the garage and you sit in the middle of it in a pile on the floor for days and you make stuff. You go buy the LARGE ice cream and sit on a bench down by the river and look at the water. You enjoy sunsets for the first time in years and you wake up extra early because sunrises are even better. You throw away the calendar and you stop trying to be perfect. Because the only perfect life is the one that you create, not the one that creates you.
It is not a midlife crisis. It is indeed an unraveling. It is the time to live the life you WANT, not the life you’re “supposed” to live. It is the time to live your truth, unapologetically. There is no need to ask anyone for permission to live your life anymore because it is YOUR life. And there is no need to explain anything to anyone. Because people are going to think what they want to think no matter what and that is none of your concern anyhow.
And don’t worry. If you don’t have to courage to sit up in the bed or get up off the floor and really wake up instead of stumbling to the coffee pot, it will happen eventually anyway. And when it does, don’t feel guilty. You’re not alone there. Follow that inner voice and desperate need to un-become everything that you’re not so that you can finally become the person God made you to be. Because really you have no other choice now. There is no going back. Embrace the messiness. Learn to feel again. Learn to love life again. You only get one. Learn to love YOU.
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive