I have been thinking about so many things lately that I do not even know where to begin writing. I will just try to summarize as much as possible and hope that it makes some sense.
Some of you are my friends and family in real life and you know a bit of what I have dealt with in the last year or so. Others are new friends I have connected with through Instagram and Twitter. For those of you who only know me from my posts and wonder what inspires me to keep spreading the positivity….the answer is because right now it is my purpose. It helps keep me sane. And in helping and inspiring others I am helping myself. I am going to get very personal and very raw. And if I offend anyone I am sorry but really I am not. I am just telling MY story. Here goes…
I have been married twice. And I have failed twice. I will be 42 years old on my next birthday in a couple of months. I find myself starting over yet again. At some point you have to ask yourself this…when have I learned all of the lessons? When do I just get to live and be happy? The answer has been right in front of me all of my life and I finally see it. People are just going to hurt you, period. What matters though is how you respond to it. You can either let it bring you down to their level or you can rise above, let go and be happy that they removed themselves from your life. Those people never TRULY loved you. It is sad but it is true and you just have to accept that and keep moving. You just have to learn to be happy with YOU.
My most recent divorce which was final in December…was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to accept. I had failed once again. But when I think back…I did everything in power to make it work. But he left me. At the time I was devastated but now I realize it was a complete blessing. I gave my heart to someone who basically tore it out of my chest, drove over it and spit on it. And then he rode off into the sunset with his white guitar (that I bought him) on his back. I am better off. That man did not realize that he was married to a person who has a tremendous heart. I KNOW this. But he thought he could do better. Good luck and good riddance. I am moving on to a new and better chapter called self love. A love that doesn’t require attention from a man who doesn’t appreciate me in the first place.
I have spent my adult life trying to find love when really all I needed was to love myself. I have chosen the wrong men repeatedly. They are like a cookie cutter. I may as well have been in the exact same relationship 4 times. The first was a 6 year relationship with a “man” who lived in my home for free and never paid me a penny in rent. I did his laundry and cooked for him and I paid the bill when we went out to eat. He lied and cheated on me. I gave up on that ever working out finally but I let it drag out WAY too long. I hoped he would change. He was a taker.
My next relationship was my first marriage. He came in on a white horse and swept me off my feet and whined and dined me and then I ended up paying his thousands of dollars in credit card debt after we got married while he was unemployed. He left me three years later after all of his debts were paid off and he just
“wasn’t happy” anymore. A question I asked was why did you marry me then? Isn’t it until death do us part??? Apparently not. He was a taker.
My next relationship lasted three years. We never even discussed marriage. This man was embarrassed to be seen with me in public and would not “friend” me on Facebook. I was his “secret”. We fought constantly and the ONLY good thing we had was intamacy or should I just say sex because looking back that is ALL it was to him. I knew that was not right but I thought I could change him and make him love me. He told me he loved “parts of me”. I think that was why I was so determined to make that one work…I wanted the full acceptance. But after the years of verbal and emotional abuse and cheating that sent me to therapy because I thought I was going crazy…I ended that one finally. It took me a full year to feel normal after that one…what a doozie. He was a taker.
And just as I was feeling like myself again I met my second husband. He was sweet. He was “into me”. I thought he was different. But what I realize now is that he was only attracted to me for what I could do for him. He was quite dependent on his mom financially. And with me, he didn’t need her help. I showered him with gifts because I wanted to do it. And then it became expected. Less than 2 years after I met him I found myself divorced AGAIN. My 401K was GONE. All of my parents and grandparents antiques that I had collected over the years were GONE because my ex didn’t like antiques. So I sold them. All of my nice clothes were GONE because my ex thought it would be best for me to dress like I was 20 instead of 40. So I donated them. I helped him in every way I possibly could to support his music dreams. I accepted his 2 kids as my own. My life revolved around his dreams and his kids and I gave up everything I enjoyed and put him at the center of my universe. I traveled 400 miles round trip every weekend with him so we could pick up his kids because he didn’t want his ex wife to be burdened with them every weekend. (I NEVER had a free weekend). I traveled with him to his concerts and spent all of my money on gas and felt guilty if I bought myself a sandwich at Chick fil A if I ever had a free moment to myself. What I got in return was doors shut in my face because he would never open a door for me, ever. I got an empty bank account. I got a brand new travel trailer that he wanted that is only in my name that I surely do not need now. And I got to read that he was sorry that he “married psychos” in a text he sent to his mother. Her reply was LOL. And exactly one year after we were married he was GONE. (I am still a little bitter if you hadn’t noticed). This one left a very bad taste in my mouth. He NEVER intended to spend his entire life with me and he escaped before he invested too much time after taking wedding vows before GOD…for better or for worse. His ex wife who cheated on him multiple times is a Saint to his family but I am the Devil to some of them. It makes no sense to me. The only thing that makes sense is that this man NEVER should have married me and I hope he realizes that now and is ashamed. He was a taker.
I did all of these things for these men to try and please them and in the end I had lost myself. I could write a book…this is really just the tip of the iceberg. There are other men in the mix that were not long term…but treated me the same. Looking back and reflecting has helped me realize I have had a very distinct pattern in the men I have chosen. They have basically all used me for what they needed until I either had enough or until it didn’t serve their purposes any longer. Two of them are somewhat independent but two greatly depend on the mothers financially and emotionally. At 40 years old you wonder why your sons cannot handle their own finances? When things are handed to them on a silver platter and they do not have to work for it because they are trying to make movies or be rock stars instead of being responsible adults and taking care of their own families in a PROPER way. You cannot feed a family of 4 working a part time job…traveling constantly…and trying to put out a hit record. Family is not important to those men. It appears so on the outside to others but in reality those men are only drawn to people who can take care of them. And when there is nothing left they flee. It is sad really.
I will step down from my soap box now. I am by no means trying to call anyone out. If anything I am calling myself out for accepting these things and for thinking this was all I ever deserved in relationships. I missed out on having children because I chose to be with irresponsible men during my child bearing years. Which is heart breaking because I know I would be a GREAT mom! My cats fill a void but I know I missed out. I do not blame anyone but myself. I am far far far far far from perfect myself. Did I mention I wasn’t perfect? Life is a lesson. It took me a little longer than some to realize what I was doing wrong but at least I am there now. I still have half of my life ahead of me and I intend to enjoy it. If it means being alone for the rest of my life I can accept that. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be for me. I have more time now to enjoy the little things and my worries have been swept away. I see everything differently now. It is like I have been reborn. I am TRULY blessed.
If you have read to this point, thank you. This is not my most well thought out message. I just started writing and this is where it took me. God is GREAT. Life is good. People are crazy (or psycho in my case. Oh, LOL). And I am looking forward to the second half of my life…living it with my eyes wide open.
If you get nothing else out of this message…please just remember that YOU are responsible for your own happiness 🙂
xo