Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.”
I am SO in love with life right now…in this particular season of my life. I have bad days and I complain a lot. I struggle and I stumble and I fall. I fail miserably sometimes. But I get back up. And I am GRATEFUL. The thing that keeps me going is that I see God in everything. He is there with me in the valleys. I am never alone.
I had a panic attack at work earlier this week. I have been dealing with anxiety lately (more so than normal) and it caught up with me this week. I was NOT having a stressful day and I am not really sure what triggered it but I knew when it was happening and couldn’t stop it. I began to have difficulty breathing. I acted as if everything was okay as I was doing my job hoping nobody would notice. But it worsened to the point where I felt like there was a pile of bricks weighing on my chest. I panicked. I began to cry uncontrollably. At that point I went out to sit in my car for a little while to calm down and breathe.
I have not had a full-blown panic attack like that in several years. I remember the first time it ever happened. I was in in my early 20’s and I went to Cleveland to visit my college boyfriend who was interning at a company up there for the summer. While he was at work I went to the mall to look around. The same thing happened…I had trouble breathing and felt a tremendous weight on my chest. Panic set in and I began to cry uncontrollably. I sat there on a bench in the middle of the mall wondering what the heck was happening to me. What caused it?
I have taken anxiety medication off and on since then.
I do have a lot going on but not as much as some. I am single. I do not have children. I live in an apartment so I do not have a big house to take care of. I do however work full time. I drive 100 miles almost every Sunday to visit my dad in the nursing home. (I used to go twice per week until more recently.) I am job searching. I am thinking all thoughts Christmas as everyone else is right now…decorating, planning, shopping, addressing cards etc. I have been planning and organizing my dads birthday weekend. And besides all of that I am trying to keep up with my followers on social media and respond to notifications and messages as well as scroll for new material and regularly post quotes to an audience of nearly 25K. I am reading and studying when I can keep my eyes open. And my heart is always on my big project that I never seem to have time for. I might not appear busy on the outside but on the inside my brain is working double time. My ministry consumes my thoughts but my daily routine takes all of my energy. At some point we break. I broke. (I think I talked about this 2 blogs ago so apparently it is still an issue.)
But even with all of the stress and the breaking down…I am STILL so in love with life! When you fear the Lord it is kind of like wearing a bulletproof vest or a full-blown suit of armor. No matter what gets you down you are going to rise again! He ensures that.
I was looking at my notes from church last Sunday. Part of the sermon was on idolatry and how we tend to bow down to things that are less than God. We lose focus and worship things that have been created instead of the ONE who created everything! We were asked to think about the following 4 questions:
1- What makes you uncontrollably angry, anxious or despondent?
2- What is something that if you lost it, it would make your life not worth living?
3- What must you have to feel significant?
4- What do you habitually think about to get joy and comfort?
I thought about those questions and my answers were the same for all of them.
1 = When I am not focusing on God.
2,3,4 = God
A few years ago I couldn’t have said that. I would have come up with all kinds of crazy answers/idols. Not anymore.
“Chaos calls but all I really need is to just breathe.”
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive
(GREAT SONG 🙂 I listened to it 3 times after I posted this message and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. This time not from stress but pure joy.)