Hello 🙂
I am sitting in my apartment this 4th of July evening with my 2 cats (who are terribly afraid of the fireworks noises going on outside). Otherwise, I am having a quiet evening and I thought this might be a good time to catch up here!
I have had a lot on my mind lately. So many things to write about that I do not know where to begin.
First of all, this holiday brings back so many memories. Memories from childhood are the most special. Our neighbors used to all get together for a hot dog roast (or weeny roast as my best friend and I used to say). We found long sticks and cooked hot dogs over a campfire and sat out in the yard in lawn chairs around the fire until late at night talking and just having fun. There was always a fireworks display involved…usually at the end of our dead end street. My favorite part was the sparklers. I would draw my name in the air and spin in circles. Those memories make me smile. And of course, I cannot forget the marshmallows and s’mores! Sounds very good right now!
My 4th of July experiences get a bit hazy after childhood. I really do not have any fun recollections during my teenage years or young adult years for that matter. It is sad that when you’re a “grown up” some of the family traditions you grew up with fade away into memories. I do remember celebrating with different significant others throughout my later adulthood. I was dating a man who had a nice boat and we viewed the city fireworks display from the river several years in a row. I remember going with my second husband and my stepsons on 2 occasions to similar displays. One in Illinois and one in Indiana…all good memories.
But the last 3 years have been quite different. I have been alone.
Holidays are just different when you are single aren’t they? I actually tried to go to a big display in the next town over last night but it got rained out. Last year I couldn’t find a place to park so I only saw the very tops of the beautiful colors above a building rooftop because my view was obstructed. And the year before that, I listened to the noises similar to how I am at this moment, while I was sitting alone in an empty travel trailer because my husband and I had just separated a few days earlier. That is not a good memory at all.
But the thing I am learning…our life is what we make of it. Sure, I would much rather be with a significant other at this moment, holding hands and enjoying the moment. But I want it to be the RIGHT situation. God has me in waiting mode as far as my relationship status for a reason and I am trusting Him this time.
I went to the doctor last week for a check up and when I was registering, the woman who checked me in had the most gorgeous flowers on her desk with a card that read “With love from the luckiest man alive!” When I read that, I told her that was the best thing I had seen in a long time and asked her what the occasion was and her response was “just because.” WOW! That made my eyes water a bit!
Isn’t that what we all want and deserve though? The “fairy tale” like in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere pulls up to Vivian’s apartment in his white stretch limo (white horse) and rescues her? Real life is not a fairytale though. But it can be.
I went with my best childhood friend (the one I ate “weeny’s with 😉 ) last weekend to help her daughter search for a wedding gown. It was a very surreal moment. Number one…my best friend still seems like she should be a child to me. Number two…I remember her daughter being born and holding her thinking how crazy and amazing it was that my best friend had a child of her own. Number three…I have not had a child myself and now my best friends daughter is all grown up and getting married.
While we were there I began to look at gowns that caught my eye. I couldn’t help myself, they were gorgeous. I picked out a beautiful gown once for a wedding that never happened in 1997 and basically gave it away, unworn. The 2 weddings I did have were very informal and I wore a white beach dress for the first and a RED rocker chick dress for the second!!! I never had that fairy tale wedding. And my best friends daughter is getting ready to have one herself. It just really hit me that I have made some really odd and crazy choices in my life. Being a free spirit, I have ALWAYS just followed my heart. However, at the same time, there were ALWAYS red flags that I ignored. And the reason I ignored them (which I have only recently discovered in the last 2 years) is that I did not know who I was, what I wanted or what my purpose was in this life. Hiding in a relationship looking for happiness was what I was doing instead learning to love myself first. And each time it backfired.
I had jotted down a few quotes I heard recently that help to make sense of all of this, I promise! I apologize for not being able to give proper credit…authors are unknown.
“Learning to be alone allows you to love and be loved without depending on another. Your life will be FREE, out of LOVE.”
“You cannot find your soul mate until you find your soul.”
“Finding your gift + sharing your gift = the purpose of life.”
I believe I am making good progress on all 3 of the above. THANK GOD! I have finally learned something from my experiences!!! YEA!!! Sometimes I am a bit slow but God has not given up on me…
And not only is this important to learn for relationships, it is important to learn in general. From church last Sunday:
Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to god as a fragrant aroma.”
Meaning…we are to devote ourselves to walking in love just as Christ loved us. Walking in love requires us to take action. To actually do good…not just think about doing good.
Last week I met a blind man in the laundry room at my apartment complex. He needed my help. He had a one-dollar bill in his hand and he asked me if it was for sure a one-dollar bill. He was going to get a drink from the vending machine. It was indeed a one-dollar bill. But it really made me think. HOW DO BLIND PEOPLE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BILL THEY ARE HOLDING IN THEIR HANDS UNLESS THEY ASK SOMEONE??? I cannot imagine needing to depend on asking someone else to verify if the amount of money I was about to spend was correct every time I wanted to buy something. How can you trust that they are telling you the truth?
I had a case of identity theft last weekend. Someone stole my debit card number and charged about $600 to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas! I had never had this happen before fortunately, but it still really bothered me. I was mad that someone could have done that to me and I was mad that they got $600 worth of who knows what from Wal-Mart for FREE. And that money came out of my checking account, which really inconvenienced me until the bank straightened it out for me. Thankfully I was credited back the money. How can a blind person not wonder if this is going to happen all of the time???
There is so much evil in the world today. I have to believe however that good outweighs it. It just has to…and if we would all think and believe this way it will. I personally know many good people who are angels here on Earth…actively walking in love. Actively doing good deeds and doing their part to contribute in their own ways. Let’s ALL strive to walk in love.
It is a choice. We all have the choice to which path we want to take. In my early adulthood I was consumed with insecurity and focused on my relationships…seeking happiness in places it could never be found. Today I am sitting in my apartment alone typing a message on the 4th of July and I am HAPPY. I am SECURE. I have a PURPOSE. I am doing my best to actively walk in LOVE by spreading encouragement to those seeking comfort. I am not having a pity party as I would have in the past. I AM ALIVE and I AM BLESSED.
If you are alone right now…you are not TRULY alone. And if you are reading this you are breathing and you are alive and you are so unbelievably blessed. Once you begin to transfer your inward focus outward, your life will begin to change. Mine definitely has. Being independent is NOT selfish. Independence allows you to give love without expectations because you are secure with yourself. You are not doing a business deal anymore. You are not expecting things in return for your good deeds only to be let down time and time again. You are capable of loving others as Christ loved you. And when you truly do this, you will never be let down. You will only be raised UP!
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 “Keep alert, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” Amen
I am dedicating this one to my mom. Her birthday was June 27 and she would have been 72. She passed away on June 18, 2003. I visited my dad today at the nursing home and we ate 4th of July lunch together. We talked about her a little bit and I told him how proud I thought she would be of me right now. He agreed. I am proud of me too.
Some days it feels like I am in a battle against the world but in reality it is me vs. me. I am winning. God is making sure of that. His love is relentless.
God Bless and Happy Independence Day to you!
Stacey ~ iamalive
http://youtu.be/R2KxFbR0TGA