I’ve been listening to the sounds of a summertime party outside my window all afternoon and late into the evening. I could hear both adults and children laughing, the sounds of a basketball continuously hitting the pavement, and joyful talking voices. It’s cool out this evening after the rain and I imagine they just wanted to stay outside as late as possible enjoying the moment.
I miss summers as a kid. It was as if time stood still. I stayed up late every night watching Carson and Letterman. I ate popcorn, ice cream, candy bars and drank Coke at midnight. I snuck out of the house and met friends. I went for late night swims or walks to the convenience store. Life was slow and school beginning again in the fall seemed to be a million years away.
As I’ve grown up time flies…even in the summertime. I remember my parents saying how fast time was going by and I didn’t comprehend what that meant. I understand now. I have glimpses of summertime stillness when I go on vacations, attend a concert, or do something fun with a friend or alone…but those are not everyday occurrences. I felt time slow down when I was in Japan for an extended period recently. I felt like a kid there without a worry in the world. Now I’m back to reality. If I dwell on my reality too much I feel the anxiety creeping back up. I feel everything starting to go wrong. I feel like I’m suffocating.
For example…
My battery is dead in my laptop. My internet is messed up. My computer hard drive is full and I cannot download pictures or videos from my phone for a project I need to work on. I can’t seem to focus on writing an article I have due next week because of all of my technical issues. I have multiple problems with this website that I can’t fix myself and don’t have the money to pay anyone at the moment. My car has almost 210K miles on it and is in need of maintenance soon. I have my days and nights mixed up still from jet lag and I just feel plain weird. I ate a hot fudge sundae for dinner last night and rice for breakfast this morning. I have been applying for jobs since February and nothing is panning out yet as far as full time work. I’m feeling defeated as to how to pursue my calling to write and inspire others because I have no resources to even start a real business. I’m haunted by my past. My satellite radio that won’t work in my car anymore, won’t work in the house suddenly either. Why?!?! I worry about my dad. I feel ALONE again. I have issues with allergies now and my right eye won’t clear up. My hair is severely damaged from wind and breakage and in desperate need of help. And color. I just want to sleep but I can’t even do that. Maybe I should just sell everything and drive south and start over? I can’t even check for typos on this blog entry because I’m typing on my phone because I’m so frustrated with my computer! Grrrrr.
Okay. I think that’s enough. I could continue but…Do you get me? I feel worry and negative voices taking over. There are multiple things beyond my control that should be of no concern to me. God has those things under control. I KNOW this. Yet I still allow anxiety and worry to creep back in.
I have a feeling I’m not alone. Some of you might have a list too. Yours is probably totally unlike mine but maybe you relate? The problem with all of this is that worry is wasted energy. It is a sin. When you choose worry over faith you are being disobedient to God. I don’t want to do that.
I have to work at this DAILY. If you happened to see my pictures on Instagram from my Japan trip it might appear that I have it all together all the time but my reality is far from it. When I let go and let God do the work I do ENJOY the moments. I enjoy all life has to offer. Even the simplest things bring me joy and fill me with gratitude a lot of the time. But then there’s my other side. The worrier. The one not focused on God but only focused on my circumstances…the circumstances beyond my control.
I have to admit when I heard all the constant noise outside my window today it annoyed me at first. But the longer it went on the more I started having memories of my childhood. Those easy summertime days and nights that lingered on forever. Time stood still for me just a short while ago when I was living on the other side of the world. It can stand still here too if I settle down and take some deep breaths and believe God is here with me no matter what and everything is going to work out in His time.
It’s 1 am right now. I think I’ll have some ice cream and breathe in the cool summertime air…
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive
(Click www.iamalive41.com to see the Jonny Diaz video)