One of the biggest adjustments I have had since returning from my stay in Japan is living alone. I have lived alone now for 1.5 years and prior to that I had a roommate for 1.5 years. I didn’t see her much so I have pretty much lived alone for the last three years. I enjoyed having someone in the house with me for the six weeks I stayed with my friends recently. It was comforting to have someone in the next room or to have someone who would at least be home “after while.” It was comforting to be able to tell someone “I’ll be back before dinner.” I felt a sense of belonging. I felt needed. I needed them.
My friend actually told me that ordinary days were special because I was there. Having a guest in their house brought a little excitement in the same way they brought excitement to me. At first I thought it was odd when she told me that because I feel like I am the most boring person on the planet most of the time. I thought about it later and I realized how important that comment was to me though. It made me feel special. It made me feel loved and appreciated.
At home, I don’t have someone in the next room while I am typing or reading. My two cats are here but they mainly just sleep. It makes me think really HARD about why God blessed me with that trip to begin with. I have been stuck in limbo since July 1, 2013. My marriage fell apart that day and I have been figuring things out ever since. I have curled my life up into a tight cocoon that makes me feel safe. I have divulged everything (well most everything) about me here through my writing yet I haven’t allowed many people to come in.
God lifted me up in Japan in August 2013 and breathed me back to life. I feel in my heart that my most recent trip is about moving forward with life. I am healed now. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined. My “word” for 2016 is FREEDOM and once I spoke it out loud I started to receive it. I think He knows I am ready but still insecure so I have been given a few gifts this year FORCING me out of my comfort zone. (Becoming unemployed and living in a foreign country).
One of my biggest fears prior to leaving for Tokyo on April 15th was the fact that I had to possibly sleep in the airport in LA because I had a crazy layover and would arrive there too late to get a hotel. I wasn’t afraid of flying for 12 hours over the pacific. No, I was afraid of the AIRPORT. Well I survived the airport. (And if you have to sleep at LAX it is possible to actually SLEEP. And I made a new friend who lives in Hawaii while I was there too.) And I survived MANY other things after that during my six week adventure. And I returned in one piece to the United States…arriving once again in LA for a lengthy layover. I didn’t have to sleep in the airport that time but I remember laughing while being transported in the hotel shuttle bus to the room I would sleep in for a few hours. I don’t want to advertise the particular hotel but believe me when I say it was quite an “adventure” and an interesting welcome home. God REALLY likes to give me a good laugh sometimes. Maybe He is reminding me to laugh at myself and not take everything so seriously all the time.
I learned that I CAN do things that terrify me. I can face my fears and look back and laugh because what was so scary anyway??? By curling up in my little cocoon I am missing out on a lot. God doesn’t want me to miss out. He wants me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and live my life. Every day isn’t going to be great but there will always be something great in every day. I just need to remember that it is time to let go of fear and be around people again. It is time to explore new ideas and new opportunities. It is time to break out of the safety of my cocoon and start exploring again. It is time to ENJOY being free. The world is a big place full of opportunity waiting for me. I just need to remember that I AM something special and I do have special gifts to offer the world as well.
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive