(I originally wrote and published this message on 5/13/16 but deleted it the following day because I felt it had an extremely negative tone. I decided to publish it again however because I want to remain true to myself and my readers. Life is not always a bed of roses or a bowl of cherries or whatever you prefer to call the joyful moments. Sometimes negative thoughts consume me if I allow them. I’ve had several great days since I originally wrote this entry and I’m thankful for ALL of it. The bad days make me appreciate the good ones so much more).
I’ve been feeling down about myself lately. Actually since I lost my job in January to be completely honest. The negative voices take over sometimes and right now, even living in Japan, I am having a difficult time staying positive.
I went through a several year period of self-loathing back around 2008-2011. I hated myself in those days. I was in between marriages. My first husband walked out on me in July 2007. Instead of healing from my divorce, I found myself chasing love in all the wrong places. I was skin and bones because I was so depressed I didn’t eat much. I KIND OF snapped out of that depression when I met my second husband but it didn’t last long. We were not compatible as far as life goals. He wanted to tour the country and play music (which was attractive to me at first) and maybe get paid and maybe not…and I wanted to put gas in my car, pay the bills, and eat. There were other issues, not all mine and not all his…we were just not meant to be together at that time. But that was when I hit rock bottom and my self-esteem went to an all time low. Even lower than 2011…what I usually refer to as my “hell year.” My all time low was lower than “hell year” low and I just don’t like thinking about July 2013 much. It is all in the past now and I have come a long way since then.
But there are always going to be valleys in life…even while walking with God.
Losing my job this year was devastating and yet a blessing in some ways. I am here in Japan for six weeks because I have the freedom to do so right now. I am not tied down. But I have to return to reality soon and think about finding another job. I came here with $200 in my pocket (no joke). But I am blessed that my friend takes care of my needs while I am here (as well her family). Her husband prepares breakfast every morning and her dad prepares dinner…so I am on my own at lunchtime and that is about it. My laundry is done for me. I have an espresso machine in my bedroom and a plethora of snacks. I have books and my computer and a lovely window to look out every morning and listen to the children singing at the elementary school next door.
I. Am. Spoiled. Here.
And my favorite thing…I have a bike. And I have freedom to explore a place not many people born in little old Henderson, Kentucky will ever experience. Yet I am still in a negative state of mind A LOT more than I even want to admit to myself. I was stressed out about coming here in the first place then I was sick for the first 2.5 weeks, which caught me off guard. But things became brighter when we took a trip south to my favorite place, Okinawa. Now we have been back home for a week and I am back on a downward spiral, in my brain at least. I have had MANY great adventures despite not feeling 100%. But pretty much the entire time I have also had negative thoughts off and on.
When on vacation…and in a far away place such as Japan…I take a lot of pictures. And the fact that I am here alone a lot during the day while I am out exploring means I take selfies. I like having pictures with me in them so that when I look back and can say, “Hey! I was really there!” But lately when I look at the pictures, I don’t look back in gratitude about the experience but instead I look at my body in disgust. I HATE the way I look in my photos lately. “I look old!” Or “I look wrinkly.” Or “I look fat.” Or “I look white and pasty.” Or “I look bow legged!” Or just “UGH! GROSS!” And on and on and on. I think these negative self-loathing thoughts to the point where I don’t like myself AT ALL. And in doing so I have reverted back to the messed up state of mind I was in back in 2011 (hell year) when I didn’t have God in my life. Since I have become born again, I NEVER thought my mind would go to those scary places again. But I realize this has been going on for a while now…beginning around the same time I became unemployed earlier this year.
I sat in the hot bath tonight. Here in Japan the bathrooms are different than back home. The toilet is in a separate room down the hall and the shower/bathtub is in a room designated only for bathing. I remember when I came here the first time in 1998. My friend showed me the ropes around the house and instructed me to take a shower first and to be extremely conservative with the water…turning it off while I wash my hair and lather my body with soap. Next, after becoming squeaky clean and rinsing off, I was told to sit in the hot bathtub. The tub is not like our tubs either. It is not big like a hot tub or whirlpool…but it is quite deep. And the water is HOT and is set to 41 C (that number keeps showing up).
While soaking tonight in the steamy room I looked up at the laminated world map hanging on the wall. I was glad this day was over and I sadly thought to myself…”Damn, I am really far away from home. I miss my little apartment. I miss my cats. I miss going to church. I miss people who speak English.” And I laid my head back and cleared my mind in the hot steam. I prayed to God to help me get past this. I sat there for a good while and nearly drifted off when a feeling of gratitude came over me as I relaxed. I thought to myself again, “Damn, I’m really far away from home! And what a BLESSING it is to be here!”
In that moment I realized I’ve been under attack and have been for a long time. I’ve allowed the negative voices to take control. God doesn’t help me when I don’t want to be helped. If I am worried about my belly…then maybe I need to stop eating everything in sight? (When I have been depressed in the past I didn’t eat…I seem to be opposite now…another thing to stress about). Maybe I need to exercise instead of just thinking about it? If I am worried about my hair, get it cut? (Which I did do earlier this week but my roots have grown out and greys are popping up left and right). If I am having a problem with someone, talk to him or her? Maybe the problem is ME not them? Admit it and fix it? If I am worried about my job situation…look for a job? Maybe I need to stop worrying so much and do something? Maybe I need to actually listen for God’s instruction? Maybe I already KNOW what to do?
???
Life is as hard as you make it. I am sweating a lot of small things lately and missing the big things. God does not want me to feel this way. He has given me the opportunity to live abroad for a month and a half, which is a BLESSING, and I am blowing it by obsessing about my muffin top belly and my hair looking stringy and needing to be colored?
???
I thought I had a really crappy day today. I woke up feeling depressed. I skipped the English lesson with my 9-year-old student and stayed in bed late. I planned to go to the nearby zoo yesterday but the neighbors (they are SO KIND) invited me to tag along with them to a beautiful rose garden. So, I planned my zoo/bicycle adventure for today. I really did not want to go but my time here is slipping by so quickly now so I continued with my plan and packed my bag. I had my friend’s phone and GPS and the zoo was only a couple of miles away so I thought I wouldn’t have any problems. Well, I was wrong. I never made it there. I made it VERY close but I couldn’t find the entrance. I felt SO STUPID and my negative emotions were triggered. It is hot here now and I was tired, sweaty, thirsty, and frustrated so after going in a circle about five times, I decided to come back home. The interesting thing is that the GPS took me to a shrine on the outside perimeter of the zoo situated in the middle of a neighborhood. I never made it to see the animals, but I made it to a place of peace. I had a good cry there after I prayed, took a selfie anyway; came home feeling defeated, took a nap, ate dinner, then sat in the steamy bath. When I climbed out and was getting dressed I realized I had been wearing my friends bra for the last two days. I knew it felt weird but it was beige and it fit. I looked at the tag before I placed it in the dirty clothesbasket and it was Japanese writing. I guess she has mine. I LAUGHED for the first time today!
When everything feels upside down and backwards and you realize you aren’t even wearing your own bra…you just got to laugh! Today was not a complete wash. I had some realizations I might not have had if things had gone “right.” So I am choosing to stop being so hard on myself from here on out. At least until I feel this way again…because inevetibably it will happen. I am human. When I realize what is happening and I seek God and focus on Him instead of my faults, the negative thoughts evaporate and the clutter in my brain washes away making room for His voice again…the voice of truth. I’m NOT stupid, fat, or gross. I am a child of God.
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive