I mentioned earlier that I am working on a farm part time this summer. I have been hesitant to write too much about it because to be honest I wasn’t sure how long I could hang with it. And quite frankly, I’m still not sure. But here I am in the middle of my fifth week.
The job has been a test of perseverance among other things. I listened to a comment a co-worker made last week that is still echoing through my head. Self-esteem began to plummet regarding my outside appearance because of this comment. What happened? I have always had my own style and unique fashion taste. I don’t like flashy accessories or to draw attention to myself, however I typically choose something a bit different. I don’t wear hats often but when I do, I like to wear the Fedora style. But apparently they are a no-no on the farm. My thought about my hat choice was this…If it keeps my head protected who cares what it looks like, right? Well a negative comment was made to me and now I am not wearing my hat.
WHY DO I DO THIS? Why listen to a negative comment from a person who obviously has an issue with me beyond my hat choice? Because I am human. Because I want to be liked. Because I don’t want to be made fun of. Because I don’t want to look stupid. The entire incident reminded me of my junior high school days when this happened to me frequently. I remember wearing my cute little asian looking red shoes one day and some girls in choir made fun of them. They said they looked like clown shoes. I felt stupid and stopped wearing them although I LOVED those shoes!
And then there are the negative thoughts about my appearance that I have all on my own. I went swimming last weekend and my friend took a photo of me. When I saw the picture I felt embarrassed. My muffin top belly is bigger than ever (in my head). If I had the extra money to go buy a one-piece bathing suit I would have gone to the store right then. I weigh about 110 pounds. I am not over weight by any means. But I couldn’t help saying repeatedly, “I look so fat!”
And then there is the actual job I am doing. It is labor intensive at times and I am the smallest person on the farm. My soft writer’s hands are becoming calloused and dirt stained and my back hurts every day. I start wondering if my co-workers are placing bets to see how long I last out there and my self-esteem drops even more.
I was in the tomato patch pulling weeds today at work and had a thought. The negative voices in my head are like the weeds! If you do not pull them out and get rid of them right when you see them, they tend to take over the entire garden…or in my case my brain.
We are each unique individuals created for a unique purpose. We each have different gifts and talents to offer the world. If my peers judge me by my outside appearance or arm strength rather than the gifts I have to offer on the inside…and I allow their opinions to break me down…satan wins. He doesn’t want me to persevere. He wants me to curl up in a ball and stop offering my gifts because he doesn’t want the world to know how much good I can put out there.
It all starts on the inside. We have the power inside ourselves to stop the negativity from the outside world from infiltrating our brains and instead choosing to be the people God created each of us to be. OR we can allow the weeds to take control and believe we are too stupid or not worthy of making a difference.
Some weeks I do just fine and feel like a fierce warrior on a battlefield taking out the enemy at every turn. Other weeks I struggle every single day to keep moving forward and not give up. The key is to remember that God is not going to allow me to fail. I just need to believe in myself no matter what anyone else thinks. I am not a weed. I am a beautiful flower just waiting to bloom. So are you. Let’s build one another up and grow together.
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive