Did you ever just sit in front of a mirror and really stare at yourself? I mean REALLY stare at yourself and wonder, “Who am I???” I have done it. I think we all have. When I am in a truth-seeking mood about myself sometimes it becomes too deep to think about so I busy my brain again with regular thoughts. You have a feeling about who you are on the inside…but you wonder how others perceive you. Those two perceptions are not the same AT ALL. I have not studied it but it does interest me. And it also terrifies me. But then I must remember, it is not about what others think of me that is important. It is how I value myself. God knows me, the real me. He knows every hair on my head, and every line on my hands, and every thought in my head good or bad. And He still loves me.
I have come to realize over the last couple of years that I had no clue who I was anymore. I had buried myself in the lives of other people in my life. My identity came from my relationships with them. I was a caregiver to my dad for five years before he moved into a nursing home in 2008. My first husband and I lived in his home after my mom died. My life when I was not working was devoted to taking care of his every need. And even before that I was a caregiver to my mom when she was still alive, battling years of depression. As I began to lose my identity I threw myself into bad relationship after relationship with men, starting way back in high school if I am being truthful, and ending when I was 41. When you wake up alone and at rock bottom you have to make a choice. I had no idea who Stacey was anymore. I wanted to find out.
It is amazing how LOST we can become and not even realize it is happening. Or do we? Do we make a conscious choice to mask the pain and lose ourselves instead of facing our obstacles and being true to ourselves?
I believe it is a choice. I believe we are who we choose to be. I am that same little girl on the inside who grew up in that neighborhood in Kentucky. I road my bicycle all day in the summer. I listened to music constantly. I stared in the mirror and wondered “why am I here?” I dreamed of doing something really BIG with my life. I knew I wanted to help people. I knew I wanted to help animals. I knew I was a sensitive being and deeply spiritual. I knew I was different. I felt awkward. But I knew God loved me for who I was. But somewhere along the way of living my life…I forgot most of those things. It is AMAZING to sit here typing this and KNOW who I am again. I am FREE. I am ME! My spiritual path has led me back home. Praise God!
I was inspired by Lady Gaga’s performance of The National Anthem last night at the Superbowl. Love her or hate her…she is true to herself and her uniqueness. She owns who she is…and she doesn’t care what others think. I know she is controversial but she is doing something right and I admire her for it.
Wherever you are right now on this journey of life…know that you are special. You have a purpose. Time to celebrate YOU! You are wonderful!
Baby you were born this way!
Blessings,
Stacey ~ iamalive